One year after…

By the end of this month (April) it will be a whole year ever since I started walking completely and fully the path of Chastity. The last trigger was my Theology Of the Body Speaker training workshop. After that my way back to Bolivia was appointed. I had little clue what was I going to do back in country, but I had full confidence in what God was doing. After all it took all my courage and all my pride to surrender to Him and accept His will. 

In TOB words: “Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy.” (CC 2339)

Last Saturday (April 13), the path to become a consecrated Lay Missionary of Charity was open, and now I’m officially an aspirant to discover if this call is mine. Unlike other people, I’ve found a great delight and strength in weekly adoration and in trying to pray the Rosary daily. Prayer is such a wonderful dialogue you can have with God. The Rosary is such a wonderful weapon against wicked and evil.

Temptation is not absent. But I have the feeling that the moment I depart myself from a life of prayer, it won’t be so “easy” to avoid it. I often wonder if for many is easier to just give in and try to justify a sinful life than to hang on to Christ’s hand and fight next to Him. 

Eph 6:11 Be clothed in the armor of God, so that you may be able to stand against the treachery of the devil.

Eph 6: 16-18 In all things, take up the shield of faith, with which you may be able to extinguish all the fiery darts of the most wicked one. And take up the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit (which is the Word of God).Through every kind of prayer and supplication, pray at all times in spirit, and so be vigilant with every kind of earnest supplication, for all the saints.

Under personal atack, give me your strength!

 O Lord!! you have worked miracles in my life the past 2 years. And more than ever I've learned to trust in You.

So tell me, will they defeat me now?

You've taught me to walk in your Truth. But this world is dual in what they call "truth". Though I know that You will provide and lead me to where you want me to go, I can't help but feel upset. Ever since I started working at the public administration, I had You as my guide. Above all, You blessed me with my intelligence and the capacity to understand about scientific issues. I've studied and found more support for biotechnology in crops. But the other decision makers in government, seem to think that the whole country is their own house and that they can rule it as they want, with their own limited opinions. 

¿What is that I have said that has sparked hatred in their hearts and minds? Is it because I refuse to play their game and approve lots of decisions with no consensus?  Or is it because I am questioning that their opinion is biased with publications that have been discredited by the scientific community?

Psalm 42 (43) ¹ O God, sustain my cause; give me redress against a race that knows no piety; save me from a treacherous foe and cruel. ² Thou, O God, art all my strength; why hast thou cast me off? Must I go mourning, with enemies pressing me hard? ³ The light of thy presence, the fulfilment of thy promise, let these be my escort, bringing me safe to thy holy mountain, to the tabernacle where thou dwellest. ⁴ There I will go up to the altar of God, the giver of triumphant happiness; thou art my own God, with the harp I hymn thy praise. ⁵ Soul, art thou still downcast? Wilt thou never be at peace? Wait for God’s help; I will not cease to cry out in thankfulness, My champion and my God.

I don't fear much as I have almost nothing to lose. But if my college is also under attack... I do fear about him, as he has a family to look after. When will these people learn to be JUST and HUMBLE? When dear God will you turn down their selfish walls? 

Breath deep! send us Your Holy Spirit to strengthen us. Christ, cover us with your precious blood, that we may be protected from their poisonous words and planned attacks. Father, hold tight our hands, that we might not scape but offer you this moment of bitterness.

Praise you Lord! for tonight under Your protection, I will sleep and tomorrow I'll be ready to go to battle with You!

The gift of Benedict XVI - El regalo de Benedicto XVI

They say Faith is tested even more in hard times. The news I came to hear yesterday when I was returning from a small vacation trip, did shaken me for a moment. Then I read the news from other Catholic sources and read the original message where Benedict XVI said while presenting his resignation. In the political world that I'm involved thanks to my job, I can only dream that a person would have such a definitive and solid argument like he had. My boss holds on tight into her position, though she is "tired" of it. Not Joseph. He is humble and recognizes that more physical strength is needed. 

I've read some posts from my beloved agnostics: "too much gold and a false morality is what it is" they claim. Forgive them Lord for they don't know what they are talking about. Others, who are baptized but never cared to learn more on God's mysteries are cheering for a more "liberal", "open minded", "modernist" Pope... yeah sure! As if your will could be done.

Though I'm a bit sad, as Benedict XVI was a champion to recover the essence of Mass and through his books he opened my path to the LIGHT, I'm also happy to be part of the challenge he pointed out at his twitter account: "We must trust in the mighty power of God’s mercy. We are all sinners, but His grace transforms us and makes us new."

A year and 5 months ago, I was reading his Jesus of Nazareth book, the first part. I was hungry of God, looking and exploring WHO AM I? WHY was I born? What I was supposed to do here on earth?. And while reading the last two chapters, something started to hit me... in the final paragraphs the thunder stroke hard in my life. I was sitting at Mount Rainier, in the middle of the forest, the day was dying, the birds were returning to their homes. A soft breeze crossed our way...and everything mixed. The final result? God had spoken CLEARLY and SOFT to my heart, my ears and my soul. 

The most basic ontological questions of my life had been answered in the beauty of God, through the guiding words of this man Joseph Ratzinger. A man that is not know by most of "Catholics", a man that may not have the charisma our JPII had. But a man that has a brain working 100% for God and that talks to my mind clearly through his academic work. 

What a blessing are his works in my life! What a blessing his teachings. Catholics may not ever know what a blessing we have had through him and all the hunger of Christ that he has. May his retirement be fruitful and hopefully, we (the ones that knew him) can read some more words that will keep us firm in our path to quench the Thirst of Christ.
Dicen que la FE es puesta a prueba en los momentos más duros. La noticia que recibí ayer cuando retorne de una corta vacación, me sorprendió por un momento. Luego leí otras fuentes Católicas y el mensaje original de Benedicto XVI donde presenta su renuncia a su puesto. En el mundo político en el que vivo gracias a mi trabajo uno solo podría alucinar que alguna persona tuviera un argumento tan sólido y definitivo como el lo tuvo. Mi jefa se aferra a su posición, muy a pesar que declara que está cansada de ello. Este hombre al contrario es sencillo y reconoce que se necesita más fuerza física para esta labor. 

He leido algunos de los mensajes de mis queridos agósticos: "mucho oro y moral falsa es lo que le cansa". Perdónalos Dios porque no saben de que hablan. Otros que fueron bautizados pero nunca aprendieron nada (como la semilla entre rocas) esperan un Papa más "liberal, de mente amplia, modernista". Claro! como si Dios hicira la voluntad (limitada) del humano. 
Si bien me puso un poco triste, ya que Benedicto XVI fue un luchador para recuperar la verdadera escencia de la Misa y a través de sus libros abrió mi camino hacia la Luz de Dios; también me alegra ser parte de ese desafío que el escribió en su cuenta de twitter: "Debemos confiar en el poder de la Misericordia Divina. Todos somos pecadores, pero su Gracia nos transforma y nos renueva". 

Hace un año y 5 meses, leía su primer libro sobre Jesús de Nazareth. Tenía hambre de Dios, y exploraba la respuesta a mi pregunta de ¿Quíen soy yo? ¿Por qué nací? y ¿Qué se suponía debía hacer en este mundo?. Leyendo los últimos capítulos fue que empecé a ver más claro... en los párrafos finales cayó como un rayo estruendoso en mi vida. Estaba sentada en medio del bosque del Monte Rainier, el día estaba por morir, las aves retornaban a sus nidos. Una briza suave soplaba por donde estabamos y todo se mezcló! El resultado final? Dios hablo CLARO y SUAVE a mi corazón, oidos, y mi alma. 

La pregunta más básica y ontológica de mi vida había sido respondida en la belleza de Dios, a través de las palabras que me guiarón de este hombre llamado Joseph Ratzinger. Un hombre que no es conocido por la mayoría de los "Católicos", un hombre que quizás no tenga el carisma de JPII. Pero un hombre que tiene un cerebro trabajando 100% para Dios y que puede hablar a mi mente de manera clara en su estilo tan académico.

Que bendición es su trabajo en mi vida. Que bendición sus enseñanzas. Los Católicos quizás nunca sepan la bendición que tuvimos a través de el y toda su hambre por Cristo. Que este retiro sea fructífero y esperemos que podamos leer más de lo que escribe y nos ayuda a mantenernos firmes en nuestro camino para saciar la Sed de Cristo.

Inspecting the Call - Disección de la Llamada

I've decided to take the step! This time the journey begins. I will prepare myself to answer my Call and explore my vocation to become a consecrated lay person. After my first year under the TOB path, I've experienced the way of the daughter and now I'm ready to start the path of the bride. I have the support of the Missionaries of Charity, parents and I think I even found (finally) my spiritual guide. The ocean of joy that I have in my life allows me to go through the harsh times of getting used again to live here in Bolivia and living in the world without being part of it. Pray for me!

He decidido dar el paso! Daré incio en este viaje. Me prepararé para responder a mi Llamada y explorar mi vocación de convertirme en una laica consagrada. Luego de mi primer año en el camino de la Teología del Cuerpo, he experimentado la dicha de ser hija y ahora estoy lista para empezar el camino de volverme novia. Cuento con el apoyo de las Misioneras de la Caridad, papas y creo que finalmente encontre un guía espiritual. El oceano de dicha experimento en mi vida, ha permitido que pueda resistir los momentos difíciles de adaptarse de nuevo a vivir en Bolivia y vivir en el mundo sin ser parte de el. Oren por mi!!

Understanding my DESIRE

More than 6 months have passed. I'm back home. And I really feel COMPLETE! Though for society here I'm a lunatic for remaining single and childless.... I feel complete in Christ. There is still lots to do in order to start a Theology of the Body diving course in Spanish. Hopefully by January 15 I can have the material prepared and start encouraging Catholics to grow in their faith. Bolivia lacks people that is prepared and ready to speak up in Gospel Terms.

The pile of books keeps increasing. Now I'm devoted to Chesterton, Rev. Fulton Sheen and Edith Stein. Ratzinger is still a big part in that pile. There is plenty to read still in his 2nd part of Jesus of Nazareth. My motivation is the 3rd part of the trilogy, coming to my hands very soon. 

Meanwhile, relativism, hedonism and consumerism keep crawling up into this world. I found that the so called "friends" do really disappear once you become an Orthodox Catholic. It is OK  I rather burn for Christ than be lukewarm to please them. 

Past Advent, I've discovered a new component in my path. The Eternal Desire written in my heart, soul and life. This Desire for Infinity, that matches the love that was pure into me when I was created. Reading other material I'm starting to find more links that explain the longing I have had in my life for so long. More things have a sense now. Chastity has become one of them. A wonderful gift that was given to me when I surrendered my life to Him. This gift is demonstrating me that His gifts are at the same time loaded with more blessings than we could expect. 

Life as I knew it, is no longer interesting for me. I desire more than I would imagine that scatological life! The promise is more tempting than a night out with friends, and so I rather stay reading more and praying than just ignoring this Thirst and Desire for God.

In His kindness, He has provided me a community among my parents and another one among the Missionaries of Charity. Work is also a blessing: the secular and the voluntary. I can't no longer stay up until late as days are busy busy, either with regular things to do at work, or with the extras: A pro-life formative bulletin, transcriptions for my Sisters, executing my spiritual motherhood with friends or family and preparing myself as well in this deserted valley.

Before the end of this year I just wish a simple thing: to find my spiritual guide. Life in Your Hands is GREAT! I can't really understand why people feels so comfortable with crumbles, when you can have a whole Banquet with the GROOM!. 

Changing life

What do I have to win here or there? What do I have to lose here or there? What ties me here or there? NOTHING and ALL.

Truth is that whatever happens tomorrow makes no difference. I've seen the power of that GIFT you gave me. A Gift that unfolded  is capable of giving, talk, listen and care. That brings in return spontaneously smiles, words of comfort, prayers, good wishes... help and love. 

I have fears divided for here and there. I have hopes for here and there. I have plans for here and there. No win, no lose. Just Your WILL.

Uncertain yes, frustrating at time, yes. But the pruning you have done this time was really strong and deep. Sometimes I felt like you were taking part of my essence. No, You are just taking away what doesn't allow me to thrive. Oh how attached I was then to my will, my plans. Cut away all that keeps me away of living the spousal meaning of my life/body.

"The LORD will guard you from all evil; he will guard your soul. The LORD will guard your coming and going both now and forever" Ps 121:7-8

Healer of my soul

I finally gave up and embraced the shadows. I realize I can't really scape from them and that at the same time I'm not lost as long as I can always see that glimpse of Light you drop in my way.

Spins and turns have resulted in me accepting that I just have to TRUST and let myself be guided by You. A part of me is at ease, but the other still wants to rumble, and contradict you. So I remain a bit indifferent, a bit  more calm. I still don't understand (will that ever happen) where is my place. And as days go by, the craving of a more simple life has increased. 

Life in community is another hunger I have in me. Yet the farm was not for me, not this one at least. And now, during the last mile, now I get this new surprise? Where will I end? I gave up on putting my priorities first, for now is just what You want for me. Yes I'm still hard to tame, but so much has happened lately, that I feel humbled, brought to my knees. Strange but I don't feel I've lost. I feel that this is what I needed to learn among other things. For now I just need to keep healing.

Keeper of my soul
On rough course faring
Help and safeguard my means this night
Keeper of my soul

I am tired, astray, and stumbling
Shield my soul from the snare of sin

Healer of my soul
Heal me at even'
Heal me at morning
Heal me at noon

John Michael Talbot