Healer of my soul

I finally gave up and embraced the shadows. I realize I can't really scape from them and that at the same time I'm not lost as long as I can always see that glimpse of Light you drop in my way.

Spins and turns have resulted in me accepting that I just have to TRUST and let myself be guided by You. A part of me is at ease, but the other still wants to rumble, and contradict you. So I remain a bit indifferent, a bit  more calm. I still don't understand (will that ever happen) where is my place. And as days go by, the craving of a more simple life has increased. 

Life in community is another hunger I have in me. Yet the farm was not for me, not this one at least. And now, during the last mile, now I get this new surprise? Where will I end? I gave up on putting my priorities first, for now is just what You want for me. Yes I'm still hard to tame, but so much has happened lately, that I feel humbled, brought to my knees. Strange but I don't feel I've lost. I feel that this is what I needed to learn among other things. For now I just need to keep healing.

Keeper of my soul
On rough course faring
Help and safeguard my means this night
Keeper of my soul

I am tired, astray, and stumbling
Shield my soul from the snare of sin

Healer of my soul
Heal me at even'
Heal me at morning
Heal me at noon

John Michael Talbot

The long road to NO

After more than 50 negatives in terms of a job position, I just simply gave up. I'm ready for a second week at Bethlehem farm and from there I'll wait for the last time. I give up, YOU command! 

It's been no easy to live like gypsy, but this has been a great lesson on being more humble and seek simplicity. Once more I've discovered the pleasure to serve and be useful through my life to others. Would I'd be ready to start serving You now? I do hope so, as my soul feels weak and in total darkness immersed in this world of material and instant satisfaction. 

Lead me, lead me. Even if I feel cold and distant....take me!

Health insurance plans have to cover sterilization and contraception free of charge - NO EXCEPTIONS

In the land of freedom there is always the lack of exactly that what they most feel proud about it. FREEDOM.

 Starting 2013 anybody working for Catholic Church MUST have access to what we preach against: DEATH. Yes, for now it is not a matter of choice or freedom, is a matter of IMPOSING their view on life and the right to grant it or deny it to whom ever they want. 

I'm close to go to a whole week at Bethlehem Farm for my first experience and decide if that is a good place for me to start building myself in the path of becoming a missioner.  Things like what happened this past weekend after remembering Roe Vs Wade, and the new rules that start unveiling what the new world regime can bring us, make me think 2 times that there still some things I have to learn in this twisted part of the world. 

I can't ignore the great need that there is in Bolivia, and that all the free time I have now would be probably more useful over there. But I also feel that it is time to cut and freeze my life. Go into solitude and this farm represents a lot of it. I need a time to be quiet, hear only silence and start to really prepare myself.

True, I still feel I have to reconcile myself fully again, as I have a little pebble in my shoe. One thing at a time, and for now just conclude this interview process. Such a big investment and hopefully that will take me away from this nonsense and relativist moment/place.

Are there inverse prayers!?

A while ago I heard that in black magic and similar rituals, there can be reverse blessings and reverse prayers. Cursing or spells you could call them. Mean thoughts and wishes people has for others. Expectations that the other person may perish, get sick, etc., etc. 

I've been too conscious that so far my biggest and perhaps only blessing today is my simple life with health. I've lost too much these past months and I'm still inside a dark cloud searching where to go and the answer on how is this life given to me useful for Him. 

But there are days, that all seems to vanish, hope, faith and even worst, patient. This is the first time I've considered that I might be getting the bad/negative vibes from someone? I'm grateful more than words can express for the support, courage, love from my parents and other people that I know pray for me. But days like this I just wonder.... where does this negative feeling comes from?

I've questioned lately if You have left me here on "correctional" for longer time or just simply won't answer more until I completely renounce to my comfortable life. No sooner I'm raised in Your hands, I twist a little and I fall again. 

I'll search your forgiveness again, stand up again, walk again and wait again in You, for it is true. In this life You gave me nothing so far can compare to the Joy, Peace you give me when I listen and do as You wish. Protect me from the ones who wish me bad and forgive them and bless them.

Fidelity - in every single way!

The relativist and materialistic society in which I have to  live laughs about fidelity. Fidelity among lovers, among family and among friends.

FIDELITY: the quality or state of being faithful (Merrian Webster dictionary). 

FAITHFUL: 1. strict or thorough in the performance of duty. 2. true to one's word, promises, vows, etc. 3. steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant: faithful friends. 4. reliable, trusted, or believed. 5. adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original; accurate: a faithful account; a faithful copy. (dictionary.com)

Let me highlight some words from this last definition: TRUE - LOYAL - RELIABLE - BELIEVED - TRUE. 

This is more of what I haven't been able to find in people. Thinking back one year, I realize I've spent little time cultivating friendship with the people who is worth of this gift and who are RELIABLE and TRUE and instead I've been wasting my time with people who were closer. This doesn't mean they were RELIABLE, LOYAL or even worst TRUE. 

Years back, I decided I was going to give back what people will give me. Some times this is a way to "shield" me from persons who are not worth to keep in my life. Recently, I was treated by a common shield that some persons use: sarcasm humor. This is not my favorite as by experience this reflects a big tangled inner situation that needs to be really well covered with simple attacks and "witty" pitiful comments. I gave it a try and the person who is ready to attack couldn't hold bit of my sarcasm and even worst, couldn't handle at all with my up front honesty. I must recognize, that at least I saved a lot of details in this last one. I've been told that my honesty can be so harsh that most people is not ready to hear such things. 

When I grew up, I had the fortune to be part of a large "family". During school years, we grew like siblings with more than 30 persons. We shared day by day, pains, sufferings, joy, fun moments and laughter. We grew up in a sort of brotherhood. We learned to be loyal and be always honest with one another. We had fidelity for our friendship and though we would respect personal decisions, this wouldn't mean that we would back up some shady ideas. Yes, we would even take sides if if was for the best of our friends. That led us to have difficult moments were we could get upset with each other, but after some time, we were able to recognize that some STRICT behavior from our peers was necessary for us to correct our path. As necessary is God's way to correct us from our failure and mistakes.

All this is take nowadays as very intense, brutal and too weird. As some would say "too confusing". Well, however is taken, I still respect that level of camaraderie I have with my old friends and I appreciate it when some new friends respect and value this too. I've been chasing the wrong friends and the wrong persons. 

Connecting myself to reality, to my Love, I realize now that to lose some of these people in my life was not a real loss. All the opposite, this is a win-win situation for both. I'm free to keep walking the way I accept and the other is free to keep being sinking in his/her twisted life. 

Next time, I only wish I can be more like little Saint Theresa and be more quiet, passive and ignore these situations right away. I wish that my spoken word can be mute so I don't have to feel upset or angry about the other person. NEXT time, this defect will have to be purified in order to keep my FIDELITY to You!

 

all the little things

Last day of this 2011. I can't say it was good or bad, but definitely a weird year. I had a deep change, a massive hole left in my heart and for the first time in my life I felt cast away from my regular life or shall I say my comfortable life. Shadow and sorrow were next to me many weeks. 

This time I didn't look to get into a fight with You. Still I'm sure I've done many stupid things through the years that now You are trying to correct me. It hurts! I guess that in between my mourning and all the moments I have raised up my hands begging Your help, finally You found a sincere disposition in my life as a whole to CHANGE. 

I grew tired of being just breathing and not living, grew tired of all the fake words and feelings others show just to achieve their own satisfaction. Tired of the cowards, of the liars, fake and egoistic people, of those who avoid talking sincerely, sharing, who only behave in a gentle way to confuse you and make you believe something is not real. 

Never again shall I put my trust in another human. My trust is totally and completely YOURS! "Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away from the LORD" (Jer. 17:5).

When I try to help, encourage... I'm misunderstood. When I seek truth in others, I'm betrayed. When I offer care and tenderness, I'm taken as a piece of meat to please simple pleasures. So desperate got me all these situations, that I landed on earth, covered my face to reach You. My life was torn apart and nothing else made sense. 

You took all these and though You still allow some wounds to be done, all this pain, this shadow, has a meaning now. I am learning, I am throwing away all that doesn't matter, leaving myself empty. For there is a bigger and truthful treasure I want to receive in my life and that jewel is You my Love. 

How could I give up your perfect Love, care, mercy and blessings for a simple kiss? for a night of lust? for the fake company of a fake human? I was lost and full of anguish. Until I searched You up in the mountain, like Your old prophets and holy ones. There when I shut away all the noise and distractions, all those things that don't matter in life.... I FOUND YOU, sweet, powerful and yet small, beating hard and with authority. You commanded and my whole life understood what bounds me to You, why I THIRST for You! Why I long to be some day again UNITED to You.

But I must pass this purification time in my life, learn to Trust You and walk hand in hand while the shadows persist. Your Light above the shadows, is the spark that keep my hope high, giving me the strength to stand up, regardless of all the times I have fallen this year. 

Amazing grace! You gave me persons and moments in this year to teach me new things, but then You took them away. Greater could be my pain if I had not accepted and understood that there is first of all one single thing I need. YOU.

My Christ, my Savior, my Groom, my Love, my eternal Friend, Brother, Companion, Master...my all in all! Where would my life be without You? to whom could I claim and in whom shall I find refuge? 

The sweetest gift you gave me, this LIFE is just marvelous. And I don't mean my former life, where I was a zombi, confused and lost, chained to my passions and desires. No, that is the pseudo life I really don't miss. It is THIS NEW LIFE You kindly give me that makes me smile though I find new swords crossing my flesh, new deceptions, new lies and treachery. It is YOUR life that makes sense here and everyday.

My health, my arms, my legs...this wonderful physical body You gave me WORKS. The main people in my life, my parents and true friends... are my blessing. And the gap that I have to cross full of uncertainty and pain, is not scary anymore. For I'm grateful that You bless me with what is basic and needed to surpass any obstacle that is waiting ahead of me.

Uncertain what will happen ahead, but there is only ONE single thing I need to remember, understand and embrace... YOU! Let your WILL be done and shape me the way You planned. I'm ready to be just CLAY IN YOUR HANDS!

Escape?

^{At least I know now that I'm not alone when I feel that I would like to be buried and forgotten, away from any more suffering. Spending that time with You today was a necessity.} 

^{I feel hurt by a third person's action and in the middle of all I wanted just to escape. How much I miss a community, my real friends, the ones that don't sell me for their own interest. The ones that remain honest, even if that honesty can reveal my own faults. Even then, they know (or have the gift) to correct me with kindness. How can I not miss them? Hopelessly I've mainly found empty souls and lives in this exile.  I shall give up. I feel I can't walk among non believers anymore.} 

^{It is just few of them who encourage my hope. And yesterday I felt so useless for not being able to do more for my second mother. In this prison, I can't do more for her except pray with all my strength and hope that You'll hold her tight and give her the courage to move on. The health to her mother, and peaceful rest to her father.} 

^{All this feeling a great defeat was pacified with dear Vivi's words. You ARE the verb, action... and in the same time You gave Job the chance to claim in his despair to You! In the same way I claim to You!}

^{Job, 5:} 

¹⁷ Blessed are those whom God corrects! Do not then scorn the lesson of Shaddai!

¹⁸ For he who wounds is he who soothes the sore, and the hand that hurts is the hand that heals.

One has to understand this defeat sensation that Your provide in order to appreciate it. How else would I raise my hands claiming to You if I had all that I wanted, when I want it and the way I want it?. My heart longs for those days I felt useful, working for your little ones. How much longer do I have to be in this stand by status??

What am I to You that despite all you care for me with such tenderness??  Such an impressive way to Love. I wish I have more opportunities to go and sit with You in that holy hour. Now, blessed with your Grace, I'll keep on, one more step today. Heal me and teach me to forgive those who hurt my life, the way You constantly forgive me. Not easy, but what is impossible to You? OPEROR IN MIHI CARUS DEUS!