My last grains of coffee

Last year in August, I was about to fall into a sort of complicated situation in my heart and in my head. I had been attracted to a wonderful man ever since I met him, but just last year I was able to talk more about our private life and not just work. 

I guess he finds me easy going because when I (joking) complained that we only shared job-related talks, he caught me by surprise and in less than 10 minutes I knew more than I probably wanted to know. 

That moment was sort of bitter-sweet. He had no problem opening his life to me but at the same time, he revealed something very important and too big for me not to consider it. 

Maybe 8 years ago, I would have not cared about it. But the reality is that now I push myself daily to live according to God's Will and not mine. With this framework, breaking the 6th, 9th and 10th commandment was simply inadmissible. A short time after this breaking revelation we met again, this time in my country.

I requested some coffee as I've tried some OK brands from where he lives. He went on a mini adventure to get me the bag of coffee beans. When we met, and after a fraternal hug, he gifted me a big bag of coffee beans. THANK YOU.

We spent some days together in some work-related activities, but all that gave me a chance to get to know him even more, and to my surprise, he was eager to also know more about me. Before the last day, I went back to my hotel room and felt a strange feeling, something I never experienced before.

Yes, I was struggling those days as I didn't want to let my irrational being just fly high. So my prayer time was also doubled or even tripled. So much begging God, it gave its fruits. That afternoon, as I was kneeling to start my Rosary, as I saw the Crucifix that always comes with me, I had this hurricane of happiness and sadness. 

I looked at my Lord on the Cross and I knew He was offering me a solution to my dilemma: "You can love him THROUGH ME". 

This has never occurred to me. It had to be My Lord´s solution. What a strange way to love someone, without hurting him or my self, and committing myself to pray, daily if needed, for him.

As we shared a beer during the last night of our event, he shared something else that made me realize how wounded he was from his past life. This was one more reason to pray and love him through Christ. 

After he left, I still had some doubts... Was I going to overcome these funky feelings?. We met again this year, and spent also lots of time talking, sharing not only work but other issues we have had in our life. All together it was once more a wonderful time spent together.

During this last meeting, I was able to go to Mass in Latin DAILY. Nothing can compare to that blessing. So there was I, every day, asking for him at Mass, and later sharing good memories.

Last weekend I was grinding some coffee beans. I have just 2 more servings left from the pack he gifted me. As I was turning the handle around the grinder I thought that it was already I year ever since this "dilemma" started. 

Where I am now? I'm FREE, I still pray for him, but I know that my heart is no longer hurting, my mind is not anxious and I think of him as the excuse I needed to learn to love in a different way, a way that it is not understood by this world. A way that only God can teach us.

Blessed be the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

And #DeoGratias for gifting me Mary most precious as a guiding mother. It is through the Rosary that I'm learning to give up on things and also on persons, so I can empty myself and have room for the LOVE that quenches all thirst. 

+LMD+