Last year in August, I was about to fall into a sort of complicated situation in my heart and in my head. I had been attracted to a wonderful man ever since I met him, but just last year I was able to talk more about our private life and not just work.
I guess he finds me easy going because when I (joking) complained that we only shared job-related talks, he caught me by surprise and in less than 10 minutes I knew more than I probably wanted to know.
That moment was sort of bitter-sweet. He had no problem opening his life to me but at the same time, he revealed something very important and too big for me not to consider it.
Maybe 8 years ago, I would have not cared about it. But the reality is that now I push myself daily to live according to God's Will and not mine. With this framework, breaking the 6th, 9th and 10th commandment was simply inadmissible. A short time after this breaking revelation we met again, this time in my country.
I requested some coffee as I've tried some OK brands from where he lives. He went on a mini adventure to get me the bag of coffee beans. When we met, and after a fraternal hug, he gifted me a big bag of coffee beans. THANK YOU.
We spent some days together in some work-related activities, but all that gave me a chance to get to know him even more, and to my surprise, he was eager to also know more about me. Before the last day, I went back to my hotel room and felt a strange feeling, something I never experienced before.
Yes, I was struggling those days as I didn't want to let my irrational being just fly high. So my prayer time was also doubled or even tripled. So much begging God, it gave its fruits. That afternoon, as I was kneeling to start my Rosary, as I saw the Crucifix that always comes with me, I had this hurricane of happiness and sadness.
I looked at my Lord on the Cross and I knew He was offering me a solution to my dilemma: "You can love him THROUGH ME".
This has never occurred to me. It had to be My Lord´s solution. What a strange way to love someone, without hurting him or my self, and committing myself to pray, daily if needed, for him.
As we shared a beer during the last night of our event, he shared something else that made me realize how wounded he was from his past life. This was one more reason to pray and love him through Christ.
After he left, I still had some doubts... Was I going to overcome these funky feelings?. We met again this year, and spent also lots of time talking, sharing not only work but other issues we have had in our life. All together it was once more a wonderful time spent together.
During this last meeting, I was able to go to Mass in Latin DAILY. Nothing can compare to that blessing. So there was I, every day, asking for him at Mass, and later sharing good memories.
Last weekend I was grinding some coffee beans. I have just 2 more servings left from the pack he gifted me. As I was turning the handle around the grinder I thought that it was already I year ever since this "dilemma" started.
Where I am now? I'm FREE, I still pray for him, but I know that my heart is no longer hurting, my mind is not anxious and I think of him as the excuse I needed to learn to love in a different way, a way that it is not understood by this world. A way that only God can teach us.
Blessed be the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
And #DeoGratias for gifting me Mary most precious as a guiding mother. It is through the Rosary that I'm learning to give up on things and also on persons, so I can empty myself and have room for the LOVE that quenches all thirst.
+LMD+
Things at work haven't been going that well, and after a scene I had with my boss, I was sent a strong notification. I was about to prepare myself and build a defense against some lies written in that note.
For some reason I waited, until 2 days ago. That's when my final year retreat began.
The lay missionaries of charity is a very small group in Bolivia. We have only one lady that has renewed her vows and 4 of us in the path to become consecrated. This was a much needed retreat as a community, but personally God knows better I was CRAVING for this time.
First part of the retreat I was worried and wondering what was I supposed to do about work. After the first talk on PRAYER, I had the first clear step, leave it to GOD, pray for the person who said all sort of things about me. But this issue was still around my head.
Second talk was about EUCHARIST and how joined with prayer, are the pillars to build our spiritual and missionary life. But as I was approaching the 3rd main talk, I realized that work, salary, unemployment, taking care of my parents, my material possessions and some other things more were just a BIG EXCUSE for the main issue.
GOD IS CALLING!!! and He barely calls out loud and with fireworks. His call is subtle but continuous. So I had to realize one major thing: I'm scared! once more I'm scared to let go all the things I've mentioned and more, and to take a second major leap of faith in my life.
How did this happen? Less than 3 years ago, I was pushed to the edge, to realize that I really didn't need to be secured with food, shelter or cloth. Despite how complicated was my situation, all that I needed to live were given got me by friends or even strangers. And I must recognize that during that time I was a JOYFUL person! for I didn't have to worry about the most basic things in life. I was conscious and like a small child I was thankful for all the caring that God gave me through others.
This past 2 years and 3 months (not that I'm counting!!) have taken me away from that point. I've become again a person who depends on a salary, who is worried about what shall I do next (after I quit my job), buried in tedium and running as fast as I could to prepare my catechesis talk for next Sunday. I've found so much pleasure in reading about saints, theology, and other spiritual works, that to arrive to my office and be plugged to a redundant meeting for 3 hours was pure torture. I'm sick of all the hypocrisy and mediocrity that reigns in this environment. Worst of all is that I've been feeling that I'm starting to be absorbed by it. Of course that through prayer I fight this, but it is becoming unbearable.
After our last talk on LOVE, where our dear Sister Martin MC used the book of Luke 6:26-38 as reference, I had a stronger feeling that I'm just playing the coward card.
LORD!! I feel afraid of letting go these new safety belts that I have in my life again. I've become too comfortable with my possessions once more! And even use my parents older age as an excuse to pretend that I'm blind and deaf so I can't understand what you are saying.
I'VE CREATED YOU TO LOVE YOU, SO THAT YOU MAY LOVE!
That was part of the answer You gave me that day at the forest when I was banging my head with the questions: Who am I? Why have you created me? What am I supposed to do here? Why a woman?
And this answer came again to my head while having our last Adoration. Shocking? Yes and no. Somehow I feel I have buried this clear answer with all my comfort so now it seems again a distant or even vanishing statement. That's when You moved me to tears! And indescribable sadness clouded my mind and I felt such a pain not only for me but for so many who suffer under your name, like I haven't felt in months!
That's when I had to accept it. I'm a COWARD!! And it caused even more pain. After our closing Mass and saying good bye I came back home with a mix of joy and sadness. After a talk with my mother and all the wonderful things she had to tell me about how attentive is our Mother to intercede for her petition of a child for my brother and wife, I told her all of this.
Now both my parents have made it explicit that I should not use them as an excuse. If God is calling, well who am I to pretend that I will not listen just so that I can take care of my parents? Or because I have to find another job? or because I have to prove the world about my professional skills achieving something even greater than my boss? or just because I need to get the new touch screen 10' laptop?
Today I have fallen again on my knees, praying THY WILL BE DONE!! not my dreams, but YOUR DREAM. I'm too small and weak, but You are the only one to give me the strength I need to overcome my fears and cease being a coward. May I have Your Grace so I can LISTEN and SEE what You really want me to do.
GRACIAS PAPA!
