Forgive me Father, I'm a coward!

Things at work haven't been going that well, and after a scene I had with my boss, I was sent a strong notification. I was about to prepare myself and build a defense against some lies written in that note. 

For some reason I waited, until 2 days ago. That's when my final year retreat began. 

The lay missionaries of charity is a very small group in Bolivia. We have only one lady that has renewed her vows and 4 of us in the path to become consecrated. This was a much needed retreat as a community, but personally God knows better I was CRAVING for this time. 

First part of the retreat I was worried and wondering what was I supposed to do about work. After the first talk on PRAYER, I had the first clear step, leave it to GOD, pray for the person who said all sort of things about me. But this issue was still around my head.

Second talk was about EUCHARIST and how joined with prayer, are the pillars to build our spiritual and missionary life. But as I was approaching the 3rd main talk, I realized that work, salary, unemployment, taking care of my parents, my material possessions and some other things more were just a BIG EXCUSE for the main issue.

GOD IS CALLING!!! and He barely calls out loud and with fireworks. His call is subtle but continuous. So I had to realize one major thing: I'm scared! once more I'm scared to let go all the things I've mentioned and more, and to take a second major leap of faith in my life. 

How did this happen? Less than 3 years ago, I was pushed to the edge, to realize that I really didn't need to be secured with food, shelter or cloth. Despite how complicated was my situation, all that I needed to live were given got me by friends or even strangers. And I must recognize that during that time I was a JOYFUL person! for I didn't have to worry about the most basic things in life. I was conscious and like a small child I was thankful for all the caring that God gave me through others. 

This past 2 years and 3 months (not that I'm counting!!) have taken me away from that point. I've become again a person who depends on a salary, who is worried about what shall I do next (after I quit my job), buried in tedium and running as fast as I could to prepare my catechesis talk for next Sunday. I've found so much pleasure in reading about saints, theology, and other spiritual works, that to arrive to my office and be plugged to a redundant meeting for 3 hours was pure torture. I'm sick of all the hypocrisy and mediocrity that reigns in this environment. Worst of all is that I've been feeling that I'm starting to be absorbed by it. Of course that through prayer I fight this, but it is becoming unbearable.   

After our last talk on LOVE, where our dear Sister Martin MC used the book of Luke 6:26-38 as reference, I had a stronger feeling that I'm just playing the coward card. 

LORD!! I feel afraid of letting go these new safety belts that I have in my life again. I've become too comfortable with my possessions once more! And even use my parents older age as an excuse to pretend that I'm blind and deaf so I can't understand what you are saying.

I'VE CREATED YOU TO LOVE YOU, SO THAT YOU MAY LOVE!

That was part of the answer You gave me that day at the forest when I was banging my head with the questions: Who am I? Why have you created me? What am I supposed to do here? Why a woman?

And this answer came again to my head while having our last Adoration. Shocking? Yes and no. Somehow I feel I have buried this clear answer with all my comfort so now it seems again a distant or even vanishing statement. That's when You moved me to tears! And indescribable sadness clouded my mind and I felt such a pain not only for me but for so many who suffer under your name, like I haven't felt in months!

That's when I had to accept it. I'm a COWARD!! And it caused even more pain. After our closing Mass and saying good bye I came back home with a mix of joy and sadness. After a talk with my mother and all the wonderful things she had to tell me about how attentive is our Mother to intercede for her petition of a  child for my brother and wife, I told her all of this. 

Now both my parents have made it explicit that I should not use them as an excuse. If God is calling, well who am I to pretend that I will not listen just so that I can take care of my parents? Or because I have to find another job? or because I have to prove the world about my professional skills achieving something even greater than my boss? or just because I need to get the new touch screen 10' laptop? 

Today I have fallen again on my knees, praying THY WILL BE DONE!! not my dreams, but YOUR DREAM. I'm too small and weak, but You are the only one to give me the strength I need to overcome my fears and cease being a coward. May I have Your Grace so I can LISTEN and SEE what You really want me to do. 

GRACIAS PAPA!

Not all the times sweet and cheerful!

Not so long ago, one friend who was baptized as a Catholic asked me some questions and I said that I have a community and pray with them each Saturday. I added: "if you ever want to come let me know". She never said a word about it, and ended up "trying" a cell from one of the 32,000 evangelical churches. 

After that, I met a new friend. She is younger and shy. I noticed she has this Guadalupe medal around her neck, so one day I introduced to topic about Catholic faith. She tagged along and was eager to find out more. She told me that during her confirmation catechism, she learned almost nothing. When I mentioned that I have a community and pray with them on Saturdays, she asked when she could come. I introduced her first to the Rosary, which she wanted to learn after listening my experience with it. Not 2 weeks after that, one day she came decided and asked: Can I come this Saturday?.

So she came, and ever since she's been coming regularly. Some days she has to miss because her studies, but in general she is thirsty and wants to drink the water that only Jesus Christ can give you. Unlike my first friend, who seem to be waiting that I drag her to a Holy Hour, and who doesn't pray the Rosary, I find a welcoming field in Z (the second friend).

This has lead me to understand something. I too have remain Catholic despite it is not always all bliss and sweetness. Many times living outside my country I've tried to find a group to pray or a community, and I was not welcomed the way I would have liked. That never stopped my search for Truth. Not all the times it has been a sweet experience, not all the times I've found people that would cheer for me. Except for God. 

In His Church, I've found always a reason to remain, even after meeting other "churches". For years I had no clue it was the Eucharist. Later I found the Sacrament of Reconciliation and in some other prospections, I found Eucharistic Adoration and the powerful Rosary. No one has lead me here. True my mother has prayed many Rosaries for my true conversion, but I've discovered (in His Grace) all by myself and decided by myself to remain here. Where else could I drink from the Water of Life? Who else could Light my shadows? Where else could I find Peace and such wonderful and Merciful God?

So I will try again with friend 1, and suggest her to pray the Rosary; explain her how come I never insisted on taking her to the Holy Hour that I have with my community, because I wish that to be her desire, not mine. But as today, I'm convinced that the Rosary, Eucharist, Reconciliation and your own will are key to find the reasons to remain as part of this Catholic, Apostolic, Holy Church of Christ.