Except that temptation is always around the corner and I found mine staring my way. I won't deny, I've already seen this person before and considered him handsome. Then our paths crossed in the most unexpected way. The first time was too fast. This time, however, the days extended a bit more.
I'm a very confident and extroverted person in general. Until I meet a man that calls my attention. My speech is reduced, my words trip in my tongue and I even become too shy to express many thoughts. That happened once more, to my amusement. But it's never a problem when the other side doesn't have a clue. It gets complicated when the other side starts shooting direct phrases as if there was a corresponded interest. This happened now. Though I considered them just jokes and pretended I was ignoring them or not to be true. It was all a good laugh until this man came forward to me and made it clear that his words were not mere jokes. How serious were them then?
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구동매 and his love of a lifetime. This scene was the
most beautiful I've seen in the last 10 years.
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So I fell in his trap. Just to make it clear it's not all his fault. I'm too guilty of not being more cautious and feeling too strong when I should have recognized I was not close to being ready for a situation like that. It was only a kiss, but that one triggered another approach the next day. And that's where I really saw my fall. My curiosity had created a situation, where I was able to see the real intentions of this man, but that step also dragged me to fall and get very close to mortal sin.
I had to take a big jump away, so I asked for my soul's sake and asked my dear ones in Christ prayers and protection. It was hard to realize that the "strong" me, was not able to even stand a strike. Even harder to look up at Jesus in the Cross and realized my curiosity lead me to add wounds to His suffering.
Immediately, I began to have an examination of conscience. I had to understand all this that I've written down, find out the weak points that had exposed me so much to fall. I had to correct all this right away. Repentance, pain and a purpose to correct and avoid this situation again became too clear. So I went to Confession. By the end of that wonderful Sacrament, the healing process began.
The playful man approached once more to me. I tried to find a space where we could talk, explain to him that I was not happy about becoming a temptation for him. But he seemed to be in a different track. Despite him also proclaiming to be a Catholic, his actions showed to me that we are more apart from each other than what I thought. I conveyed my words and why I needed to just put a stop to his actions in a letter. I can't coordinate my spoken words, so it was put down in a way I find suitable.
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| Wonderer above sea fog from Caspar David Friedrich |
This is where my romantic side kicked in. I was coming back one night in the last train and somehow I expected that this man was different so he would come to pick me up from the station and get me safely to the house. When I arrived, of course, there was only my false expectation waiting. So I held my guardian angels hand and understood the only one that will always be there when I'm in need of protection or company is none other than the Omnipresent God. I could have felt hurt. One more unsuitable man that crossed my path. But I felt at ease, I had made my commitment to amend this fall, to put distance and I even had over a dozen or persons praying for my soul's sake. What else I needed?
I draw a smile in my face and remembered #구동매 (Goo Dong-mae), a fictional character from a Korean drama. He recognizes himself as a loser when he is about to die and realizes that the woman he always loved, and with whom he never had a chance, had always thought about a sentence he had told her. In a way, she always had him present during her life, and that for him was enough to die happy. A real romantic loser.
I might have read too much of Austen, May Alcott, Gaskell, and Sand, that even up to this day, my last day in this house, I was expecting that this man would have the courage to approach and say something. Like 구동매, I was expecting some sort of response from the other side. I'm too a romantic. Of course, none of that will happen. I already know how this story goes. I have had too much of this 7 years ago.
I'm a loser in the sense that I'm letting go, I'm losing my short attachment I was establishing with this person. Yesterday, at Holy Mary's prayers, there was a list of 3 things to commit for the day. One was to give up something we were attached to. I chose to give up this infatuation, and I feel thankful at the same way, as God has shown me through this fall, that I'm not near to be strong and that I depend greatly from His Grace to face these type of temptations.
A romantic I'll remain for a while. A romantic loser who is not afraid anymore to lose and detach from people or objects, as they become obstacles in my path to God. What is true is that this side of me also has to be shaped in accordance with God's Will.
Do not be afraid to fall, we are miserable worms after all. But do not let much time pass before you Confess and amend your sins and commit to avoid those mistakes again. Today, I feel a bit like the Wonderer from Caspar David, standing once more, with the assurance that God is the only one that can pick us up from the mud, clean us and get us ready to keep walking. All this means more than I would imagine from His Mercy and Justice.
#DeoGratias.