Last day of this 2011. I can't say it was good or bad, but definitely a weird year. I had a deep change, a massive hole left in my heart and for the first time in my life I felt cast away from my regular life or shall I say my comfortable life. Shadow and sorrow were next to me many weeks.
This time I didn't look to get into a fight with You. Still I'm sure I've done many stupid things through the years that now You are trying to correct me. It hurts! I guess that in between my mourning and all the moments I have raised up my hands begging Your help, finally You found a sincere disposition in my life as a whole to CHANGE.
I grew tired of being just breathing and not living, grew tired of all the fake words and feelings others show just to achieve their own satisfaction. Tired of the cowards, of the liars, fake and egoistic people, of those who avoid talking sincerely, sharing, who only behave in a gentle way to confuse you and make you believe something is not real.
Never again shall I put my trust in another human. My trust is totally and completely YOURS! "Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away from the LORD" (Jer. 17:5).
When I try to help, encourage... I'm misunderstood. When I seek truth in others, I'm betrayed. When I offer care and tenderness, I'm taken as a piece of meat to please simple pleasures. So desperate got me all these situations, that I landed on earth, covered my face to reach You. My life was torn apart and nothing else made sense.
You took all these and though You still allow some wounds to be done, all this pain, this shadow, has a meaning now. I am learning, I am throwing away all that doesn't matter, leaving myself empty. For there is a bigger and truthful treasure I want to receive in my life and that jewel is You my Love.
How could I give up your perfect Love, care, mercy and blessings for a simple kiss? for a night of lust? for the fake company of a fake human? I was lost and full of anguish. Until I searched You up in the mountain, like Your old prophets and holy ones. There when I shut away all the noise and distractions, all those things that don't matter in life.... I FOUND YOU, sweet, powerful and yet small, beating hard and with authority. You commanded and my whole life understood what bounds me to You, why I THIRST for You! Why I long to be some day again UNITED to You.
But I must pass this purification time in my life, learn to Trust You and walk hand in hand while the shadows persist. Your Light above the shadows, is the spark that keep my hope high, giving me the strength to stand up, regardless of all the times I have fallen this year.
Amazing grace! You gave me persons and moments in this year to teach me new things, but then You took them away. Greater could be my pain if I had not accepted and understood that there is first of all one single thing I need. YOU.
My Christ, my Savior, my Groom, my Love, my eternal Friend, Brother, Companion, Master...my all in all! Where would my life be without You? to whom could I claim and in whom shall I find refuge?
The sweetest gift you gave me, this LIFE is just marvelous. And I don't mean my former life, where I was a zombi, confused and lost, chained to my passions and desires. No, that is the pseudo life I really don't miss. It is THIS NEW LIFE You kindly give me that makes me smile though I find new swords crossing my flesh, new deceptions, new lies and treachery. It is YOUR life that makes sense here and everyday.
My health, my arms, my legs...this wonderful physical body You gave me WORKS. The main people in my life, my parents and true friends... are my blessing. And the gap that I have to cross full of uncertainty and pain, is not scary anymore. For I'm grateful that You bless me with what is basic and needed to surpass any obstacle that is waiting ahead of me.
Uncertain what will happen ahead, but there is only ONE single thing I need to remember, understand and embrace... YOU! Let your WILL be done and shape me the way You planned. I'm ready to be just CLAY IN YOUR HANDS!