To fall doesn't mean to stay in the mud - A romantic loser

I'm a romantic loser. This week I had a perfect gift to attend Mass and even talk with a priest about a possible vocation that I should investigate. It all seemed too easy.

Except that temptation is always around the corner and I found mine staring my way. I won't deny, I've already seen this person before and considered him handsome. Then our paths crossed in the most unexpected way. The first time was too fast. This time, however, the days extended a bit more.

I'm a very confident and extroverted person in general. Until I meet a man that calls my attention. My speech is reduced, my words trip in my tongue and I even become too shy to express many thoughts. That happened once more, to my amusement. But it's never a problem when the other side doesn't have a clue. It gets complicated when the other side starts shooting direct phrases as if there was a corresponded interest. This happened now. Though I considered them just jokes and pretended I was ignoring them or not to be true. It was all a good laugh until this man came forward to me and made it clear that his words were not mere jokes. How serious were them then?

구동매 and his love of a lifetime. This scene was the 

most beautiful I've seen in the last 10 years.

Seven years ago, I said goodbye to my last boyfriend and ever since then I haven't moved much to find one. So along this time I thought I had become stronger, that I would be able to resist any temptation. I'm quite frontal when I have no interest at all, but this time it was different, for there was a curiosity in the middle. I was curious about the words conversed to myself, I was curious about the way he looked at me, curious to find out if he was a real fighter or just a lukewarm coward, pretending to be interested.

So I fell in his trap. Just to make it clear it's not all his fault. I'm too guilty of not being more cautious and feeling too strong when I should have recognized I was not close to being ready for a situation like that. It was only a kiss, but that one triggered another approach the next day. And that's where I really saw my fall. My curiosity had created a situation, where I was able to see the real intentions of this man, but that step also dragged me to fall and get very close to mortal sin.

I had to take a big jump away, so I asked for my soul's sake and asked my dear ones in Christ prayers and protection. It was hard to realize that the "strong" me, was not able to even stand a strike. Even harder to look up at Jesus in the Cross and realized my curiosity lead me to add wounds to His suffering.

Immediately, I began to have an examination of conscience. I had to understand all this that I've written down, find out the weak points that had exposed me so much to fall. I had to correct all this right away. Repentance, pain and a purpose to correct and avoid this situation again became too clear. So I went to Confession. By the end of that wonderful Sacrament, the healing process began.

The playful man approached once more to me. I tried to find a space where we could talk, explain to him that I was not happy about becoming a temptation for him. But he seemed to be in a different track. Despite him also proclaiming to be a Catholic, his actions showed to me that we are more apart from each other than what I thought. I conveyed my words and why I needed to just put a stop to his actions in a letter. I can't coordinate my spoken words, so it was put down in a way I find suitable.

Wonderer above sea fog from
Caspar David Friedrich

This is where my romantic side kicked in. I was coming back one night in the last train and somehow I expected that this man was different so he would come to pick me up from the station and get me safely to the house. When I arrived, of course, there was only my false expectation waiting. So I held my guardian angels hand and understood the only one that will always be there when I'm in need of protection or company is none other than the Omnipresent God. I could have felt hurt. One more unsuitable man that crossed my path. But I felt at ease, I had made my commitment to amend this fall, to put distance and I even had over a dozen or persons praying for my soul's sake. What else I needed?

I draw a smile in my face and remembered #구동매 (Goo Dong-mae), a fictional character from a Korean drama. He recognizes himself as a loser when he is about to die and realizes that the woman he always loved, and with whom he never had a chance, had always thought about a sentence he had told her. In a way, she always had him present during her life, and that for him was enough to die happy. A real romantic loser.

I might have read too much of Austen, May Alcott, Gaskell, and Sand, that even up to this day, my last day in this house, I was expecting that this man would have the courage to approach and say something. Like 구동매, I was expecting some sort of response from the other side. I'm too a romantic. Of course, none of that will happen. I already know how this story goes. I have had too much of this 7 years ago.

I'm a loser in the sense that I'm letting go, I'm losing my short attachment I was establishing with this person. Yesterday, at Holy Mary's prayers, there was a list of 3 things to commit for the day. One was to give up something we were attached to. I chose to give up this infatuation, and I feel thankful at the same way, as God has shown me through this fall, that I'm not near to be strong and that I depend greatly from His Grace to face these type of temptations.

A romantic I'll remain for a while. A romantic loser who is not afraid anymore to lose and detach from people or objects, as they become obstacles in my path to God. What is true is that this side of me also has to be shaped in accordance with God's Will.

Do not be afraid to fall, we are miserable worms after all. But do not let much time pass before you Confess and amend your sins and commit to avoid those mistakes again. Today, I feel a bit like the Wonderer from Caspar David, standing once more, with the assurance that God is the only one that can pick us up from the mud, clean us and get us ready to keep walking. All this means more than I would imagine from His Mercy and Justice.

#DeoGratias.

2 days that felt like a week - Learning to love through Crucified Jesus

I've made up my mind, and would really like to leave this entry in this blog.

Recently, I've had the chance to share two days with my Lieber Freund who spoils me with coffee, despite he is not a coffee drinker for health issues. I knew about his short visit about a month ago, and I was surprised as this is the 6th year in a row, that we are able to meet at least once in the year.

Who would have imagined that after we said goodbye last year, I was really going to meet with him again?  I felt a sense of Sehnsucht and had to hold my heart, to remind myself that now it has a Magnificent Owner.

It was over a year ago when I felt the Sacred Heart of Jesus had healed mine. I learned how to love this person through the Crucified Jesus, and give up any idea, hope of any other type of love. I talked about it with a friend, and she couldn't grasp what I was talking about. But last year when I was grinding the last grains of the other bag of coffee he gifted me, I realized finally what it all meant. All the longing, all the despair that I felt at a moment, the confusion, the frustration...all that was gone, and a sense of fullness had taken over me. I'm thankful to God, for I had no clue how to love this person through His Holy Son. My disordered heart's love was transformed into agape for this man, through the LOVE Himself.

My surprise turned into a smile and the acceptance that I had to face this trial at ease. It came with certain temptations, as one day, before my prayer time, I had a dream of him that I terminated when it got "weird". I woke up immediately and even it was a bit dark still, I started praying my Rosary. I broke down in tears in the middle of it, for a wave of emotions rushed into me. My lovely Stella Maris came to comfort me in that wonderful garden of roses She has for us. When I was done with the Rosary, the peace had returned.

So the D day came and we finally met again. First work came, but when that was over, he seemed eager to meet me. I knew he was tired after his red-eye flight, yet he was enthusiastic and a complete gentleman. Like 2 old friends, he held my arm and we crossed the street. Our dinner felt like we had not seen each other over the last month, so familiar and with confidence. The second night was the same and it went steps further, as it was too easy going, to the point we could tell small jokes on each other.

I do appreciate his trust to share not only things I know he doesn't disclose to just anybody but also expressions and behavior that is not seen while he is being all professional and well behaved.

As his birthday is approaching, I gave him his gift with a card, that had the Holy Heart of Jesus on the other side. A vintage image, that I know he appreciates.

Actually, it was less than 2 days. But my heart at ease and the rich moment we shared, have created a different memory in my mind. I no longer have that heavyweight over me when I'm next to him. It's such a relief to just be able to cherish him as God has wished and not to put other thoughts in my head.

Yes, less than 2 days, but why does it feel like a week? I guess it's the quality time we had, the confidence and all the smiles and laughter we shared. Will there be a 7th year? Only God knows. What I understood, is that I have to keep praying for him.

I have to close this one, being thankful to God for His promise is real. His teaching about this different way to love a person, that I never imagined, is real. I can treasure this agape with my Lieber Freund.

Since all happened in the time after Mr. Sunshine ended, I wanted to leave a part of the song See You Again by Baek Ji Young (백지영) that perfectly describes what happened in this week of 2 days 🙂

그댈 둘러싼

시간 꿈 모두 다 한 조각

공기처럼 간직했죠...

... 

그곳에선 함께 웃고 있죠

I’ll be there

See you again

Semana Santa 2018 - Un regalo de Dios

Para vivir la Pascua, hay que RESUCITAR con Jesús, salir del sepulcro, dejar de ser levadura vieja y mudar, cambiar.
El Viernes Santo durante un breve retiro donde la meditación se basó en los misterios dolorosos, comprendí que es preciso pasar más tiempo en este "libro", como lo tomaron los santos, siendo una de sus meditaciones predilectas, al punto que ellos comprendieron el valor de sufrir por Cristo, añorando poder vivir más, para acompañarlo en el sufrimiento. Generalmente nosotros y la sociedad actual rechaza, repele y repudia la idea de sufrir. Los santos no.
Durante el sermón del Pregón Pascual, lo que se me grabó fue el punto de gloriarnos de la Cruz que representa el triunfo de Jesús sobre la muerte, sobre el mal, esto debería llevarme a gloriarme de la Misa, ya que es en cada Misa donde podemos asistir de manera incruenta nuevamente al Calvario y ser testigos de la prueba más grande de amor, de aquel que lo dejó todo por AMOR. San Bernardo indicó que la Cruz lleva 4 piedras preciosas. Arriba la del AMOR, a la derecha la de la OBEDIENCIA, a la izquierda la de la PACIENCIA y abajo la de la HUMILDAD.
Al aceptar la Cruz que Jesús escogió para mi, debo ver esas perlas que Jesús cargó en Su Cruz, para que pueda aceptarla con agrado y cumplir con la Voluntad de Dios. Fue el domingo de Pascua donde las claves conectaron y en este mensaje de que para vivir la PASCUA hay que despojarnos realmente de ese hombre viejo, comprendí que debo realmente renunciar más a tonterías que me ligan más al mundo que a Dios.

Pasar más tiempo en lecturas espirituales, en meditación, con los ojos fijos en el cielo como la dulce Madre María, quien luego de ver al Hijo partir al Cielo, no despegó sus ojos de Él, estando su corazón ya unido al del Hijo, razón por la cual Dios no la dejó morir como lo  hará mi carne. Los ojos fijos en Dios, en el Cielo....cambiar, renunciar a mis caprichos y dedicar más tiempo a las cosas de Dios.
Si realmente quiero dejar este mundo en vida y trocar mi vida, por la salvación de un alma, es preciso que  me prepare desde ya. No puedo dejar pasar otros 5 años con dudas, con temores... es tiempo de RESUCITAR y empezar a vivir la PASCUA de aquí en adelante.
Doy gracias a Dios por permitir que salga de mi desierto para buscar el Manjar del Cielo, por aquellos sacerdotes celosos y verdaderos esposos de Jesús, que se dedican a cuidar del rebaño que les fue confiado.
Gracias Padre, por la gente que ha hecho posible que esta Semana Santa del 2018 sea también memorable y con  nuevas piezas del rompecabezas en el Camino hacia Dios.

Fiat

Muy fácil es clamar que somos Cristianos Católicos, hasta que Jesús nos pone todo el peso de la cruz que eligió para nosotros. ¡Ay! Señor, como pesa esa cruz.

Y sin embargo, realmente Tu no te equivocas en darnos aquello que sabes que podremos llevar, sobre todo cuando sabemos que no estaremos solos en ese camino.

Mi cruz ha sido distinta a la de muchos de mis hermanos en la fe. Y tampoco la llevé sola, estuvo mi madre ayudándome. Hoy sé, que tampoco estoy sola. En Jesús, se ha abierto una familia mucho más grande. Hoy, las otras penas que he tenido que enfrentar, fueron apoyadas por queridos hermanos lejos de acá.

En el rezo diario del Rosario, también he descubierto a mis otros hermanos, cobijados todos en el jardín de la Reina del Cielo, que nos acoge y paso a paso nos va mostrando la vida de su amado Hijo Jesús. Madre, instructora, guía, consuelo...¡Que MUJER! La más amada de Dios, escogida antes de todos los siglos para su plan de salvación.

De ella vamos aprendiendo que su silencio fue más fuerte que el estruendo de la vanidad, lujuria, pereza, ira, soberbia y más decadencia que hoy impera en este mundo. Las mal llamadas feministas no cesan de echarle burlas y ofensas, quizás no logran comprender como una sencilla mujer, ha alcanzado el mayor honor que tendrá criatura en este mundo. Cuanta envídia te tienen Santa Madre.

Es tu silencio y espera, lo que nos enseña a ejemplo tuyo, a confiar, a abandonarnos en la Voluntad del Padre. En esta gran familia de la cual formo parte, así clamamos, pidiendo que se haga Tú Voluntad y que fortalezcas nuestros corazones, ante la adversidad, la persecusión y los ataques del maligno.

Con María Santísima, Sancta Dei Genitrix, imploramos aprender de su silencio a esperar en Tu Voluntar Santísima Trinidad.

"Ecce ancilla Domini fiat mihi secundum verbum tuum" 
Lucas 1, 38 - Bíblia Católica Vulgata

14,695 días y 7 canas después...

La transición no pudo estar excenta de sorpresas. La noche del 4 de noviembre del 2017 tenía que haber algún suceso que recordara la complicada manera en la que un día de noviembre de 1977 iniciaría mi vida.

Doble vuelta del cordón umbilical, provocó un leve daño fetal que hasta el día de hoy puedo sentir, mediante unas migrañas que pueden postrarme de dolor. Tengo dos grandes ventajas: conozco la medicación que me ayuda si la tomo a tiempo y conozco el valor del dolor, que en esta sociedad moderna es más bien despreciado.

Son 4 países en los que he vivido, he llegando a experimentar no sólo a su gente, idiosincracia, pero también las fatigas y complicaciones de estar sola, sin parientes y a veces sin amigos que te tiendan la mano. Lo que parecía ser sólo una aventura nómada, es uno de los pilares que ha forjado mi manera de abordar la vida. Al final, y contra el deseo de querer seguir viviendo como nómada, terminé aceptando que tenía que volver acá, a la realidad boliviana.

Las personas que no me conocen, creen que soy mucho menor de edad. Yo bromeo e indico que es el hecho de no tener un esposo o hijos. Al parecer estos dos importantes componentes de la vida si dejan huellas en el rostro. Si bien he quedado con más ahijados de los que imaginé, el grado de compromiso y dedicación que ellos demandan, no se compara al de tener la familia propia.

Puedo bromear sobre mi edad, sin embargo creo que he pasado situaciones que pocos ahora atraviesan y que nos dejan en un punto crítico, donde dejamos hace años de tomarnos la vida a la ligera. Aún escucho entre mis contemoporáneos sus planes para ir a bailar, a festejar, a divertirse... En contraste, yo en estos años de vida, he asistido a más velorios que a esas pachangas. Estos últimos 3 meses, han sido aún más vertiginosos y con cada fallecimiento, tengo la bendición de poder meditar sobre la muerte, sobre los múltiples errores cometidos y sobre la infinita deuda que tengo con mi Creador.

Durante años yo comandé en mi vida, me dirigí a donde quise e hice lo que fueron mis caprichos. Más ahora constantemente repito el primer verso del poema de san Agustín:
¡Tarde te amé, hermosura tan antigua y tan nueva,
tarde te amé! y tú estabas dentro de mí y yo afuera,
y así por de fuera te buscaba; y, deforme como era,
me lanzaba sobre estas cosas que tú creaste.

Los que me conocieron antes, podrán decir que yo no soy como cuando me conocieron. Ese es el triunfo de Dios, pues ha trocado mi vida y aceptando su yugo, he pasado de caminar en la vía amplia y cómoda, a la vía angosta y empinada. Pero aprecio y valoro más este caminito que me ha trazado, que el que yo había planeado.

Esta Santa Trinidad, quiso desde hace mucho Reinar en mi vida, pero yo no la dejaba. Poco a poco fue cayendo sobre mi corazón las gotas de ese Amor, hasta que un día, en pleno abismo de oscuridad, donde experimenté la sensación más desconsoladora, la incertidumbre más honda y el vació más desesperante, finalmente ese caparazón que resistía se quebró. Como san Agustín, mi transición no ha sido inmediata, mi abandono al mundo ha sucedido poco a poco.

Con cada ser querido que deja este mundo, tengo la oportunidad de pensar que es una gran Gracia el día que aún tengo, las horas de vida que aún transcurren. Aún tengo oportunidad de hacer penitencia por mis tantas faltas, aún puedo avanzar un paso más en esta empinada subida. El que partió ¿tuvo esa misma oportunidad?


Me siento profundamente agradecida, que llego a esta nueva etapa en mi vida, habiendo dejado las riendas de la misma al Dueño de la vida misma. Bajo el cobjijo de la Madre Celestial, aprendo cada día a amar la Guia de su Amado Hijo. Quizás parecemos los más débiles porque en este presente tan sumido en el ego y el relativismo, parecemos los locos que se dejan guiar por aquel a quién no pueden ver.

Pero cada que miro atrás, y veo hacía donde me iba conduciendo, me afirman que aquello no iba a terminar bien. Era casi como buscar estrellarse a la máxima velocidad posible contra un muro de concreto. Hoy es más fácil afrontar la partida de un ser querido, el fin de una amistad (porque estoy demasiado loca por Jesús como para poner por delante una amistad), el perder y la carencia de bienes materiales.

Hoy atesoro la Voz y la Luz en medio de tanta tiniebla, que me acogieron dulzemente en una tierna caricia, dándome la certeza que a pesar de la oscuridad, Él no se cambia. Más aún, es un tesoro haber vuelto a la Santa Iglesia Católica, a la que muchos critican sin conocer ni el 10 %.

¿Cuántos hoy se pierden porque al percibir lo mismo en medio de sus tinieblas, rechazan petulántemente al Dios de la Vida? Y así, en medio de ellos, los que aceptamos a Su Majestad, vamos haciendo el camino, aceptando las injurias e insultos, los ataques y desprecio...todo con profundo amor, porque luego de un tiempo, uno halla que todo esto lo puede unir a la Pasión de Jesús y allí cobra sentido el atravesar sufrimientos en esta vida.

De profundis clamavi ad te, Domine; Domine exaudi vocem meam.
Fiant aures tuae intendentes in vocem deprecationis meae.
Si iniquitates observaveris,Domine, Domine, quis sustinebit?
Quis apud te propitiatio est, et propter legem tuam, sustinui te, Domine.
Sustinuit anima mea in verbo eius; speravit anima mea in Domino.
A custodia matutina usque ad noctem, sperat Israel in Domino.
Quia apud Dominum misericordia, et copiosa apud eum redemptio.
Et ipse redimet Israel ex omnibus iniquitatibus eius.

Garbage Art to mock Holy Mother - How "innovative"

Every year in Oruro - Bolivia, thousands gather for what is been proclaimed "Human patrimony" by UNESCO, a carnival fest.

I was 8 years old the only time I went to what most call "the biggest folklore" demonstration. Truth is, this is the biggest bacchanal there is in this country. They dance different typical dances (most are an inheritance of Spanish dances, mixed with local expressions) and make sure they get drunk until they lose their dignity. This year, for instance, there were 2 explosions that leftover at least 10 death persons, but dancers, musicians, and other sponsors wouldn't stop.

What's their excuse to become so beastly? They claim they do this out of devotion to Holy Mother. This worldly and wrong devotion has never been turned into correct devotion: PENITENCE and ROSARY.

No, they rather give into pleasure and abomination. One year, I read that more beer is consumed during these 4 to 10 days, to the point that the Oktoberfest in Germany could look like a small kitten. The beer company, of course, is one of the happiest with this so-called devotion. I've been criticized a lot some years ago when I left a picture with dancers that pass in front of the image of Virgin Mary in this town with a legend that said: True devotion to Holy Mother starts kneeling and with a daily prayer of the Rosary, not with carnal pleasure. I had the most trivial justifications for this weird devotion of dancing and drinking for the sake of Holy Mother.

Humans tend to blame their sinful life to a 3rd person or even an object. Recently, a failed "artist" made her come back using an old joke that The Immaculate has to receive. Rilda Paco, used the image where dancers salute and portrayed her as a prostitute, all these as an art (?) expression, to complain about the absurdity of carnival in her town.

She wouldn't dare to ridicule UNESCO, the beer company, the union of dancers and musicians or even the governor of these place, who never asked for mourning and stop the orgy. No, she had to be less original and ATTACK Catholic Faith, after all, I'm sure she has learned in her dreams that Mother Mary once asked for such degeneration, right?

These women that mock Holy Mother seem to envy the Queen of Heaven, making her their target to express their pathetic lives. Of course, she will have to face justice, charges have been presented both by faithful Catholics and fake ones. Fake ones feel offended in their bacchanal expression which they call "patrimony".

Social media has shown supporters to these garbage artist, claiming "free speech" or even that this God forsaken country is a lay one. As good relativism slaves, they seem to forget the rules of their beloved humanistic world. Free speech and your liberty end where mine begins. They seem pretty comfortable to have their mothers, wives, daughters or girlfriends portrayed as prostitutes, after all, it's "art". Probably that's why in Sweden it's OK to rape a woman, it is part of the "cultural" expression of many immigrants.

Modern art has turned into a mere expression of garbage, with 0 creativity or aesthetics. Forget about provoking our minds into what is beautiful and reflect the skills of an artist. The comic presented by Rilda Paco is a one more to the pile of this decadent art, reflecting her lack of work and skill and showing what a hypocrite she is, as she blames her frustration with the one who is used as an excuse, not with the real culprit.

For those who claim we live in a LAY country, that would explain why we have fallen into a decadent socialist state, where we have an ignorant as president, tied with narcotraffic and much more, trying to glue himself and his mob to the presidential chair until he becomes one dictator more.

We truly have it well deserved as a country, for we have forgotten who is the real RULER of this life, they say this country is Catholic, but over 95% of those who are seen as Catholic had no clue what this implies or means. Novus Ordo is the rule here, and it is not even an acceptable practice, for its masses are full of syncretism, heretical songs, and more decadence.

In Fatima, Our Holy Mother warned us, well now we have to face all the disgrace that has fallen on us, for the lack of faith, penitence, and prayer. Heretical sects have spread like fungus here, others have soccer as their god, and women are falling into that new cult known as feminists. No surprise that every week we read about women being raped, kids being abused and much more depravity.

This is a country where they dance to an image of Holy Mother, but at the same time, they commit adultery or next day they pay tribute to the "uncle" of the mine (satan). So what do you expect?

The painter is a miserable person, who would need to convert to save her soul, as right now she is throwing herself into the pit of fire. I rebuke her "art" and hope God can pull her ear before she dies. Same goes for all the other "devoted" people who give tribute to Moloch, not Virgin Mary.

Judica me, Deus, et discerne causam meam de gente non sancta: ab homine iniquo et doloso erue me.

Being despised by those who reject Holy Mary but claim Jesus saved them

And you shall be hated by all men for my name's sake: but he that shall persevere unto the end, he shall be saved. Mt. 10, 22.

Persevere in Eternal Salvation's path is not a simple thing. True there are easy days, where all obstacles seem shallow. But there are also days where the way you'll be despised, rejected and even attacked tend to be a tad heavier to carry.

I used to ask from God patience. Seems I asked too much, for last 2 jobs I've had, I've been running with bosses that feel offended the moment you point out their mistakes or lack of organization and start shutting against you whatever they can.

For a moment I thought it was just a trend in public offices, but working now in a private institution, seems that the pattern repeats. 

I've run into a superior who on top of that is what I simply call a heretic. So-called pastors, re-baptized, re-born in Christ or those who belong to any sect fall into the same heretic label. 

Being full of himself, this man was bold enough to despise and even mock my Holy Mother, reason why I probably also had no censorship while I pointed out his use of his position to promote his sect events, through the institution that has nothing to do with it. Is it too hard to create different lists, be honest and avoid using the institution where you work to promote the mixed ideologies that sect claims?

I've been taking now his stalker "silence" for more than 2 months. And each time he goes one step further with his offense. Gladly, I learned with the last boss I had, that I have to learn to bear these attacks or it can become tedious. 

Petty attacks in the end, for I'm not dreaming of being recognized, praised or become famous like he is, so actually I tend to include his delusion of being above everybody in my Rosary, for this is the type of people that can help me achieve a step closer to purification.

Little do these heretics know, that their attacks, can actually help us to speed this penitence in life. This alone is such a great reason to be thankful to God. Once you learn and accept His Will, without so many complications, that is the time when you can feel joy, for you are walking the narrow, thorny path. 

Not sure how much more I'll stay in this job, but in the meantime, daily Rosary at my Mother's garden is what keeps me charged for the small battles that I have to deal with such complicated persons as bosses. 

May God all mighty grant him enough time to repent and cease his attack on Christ's Wife and Mother.

+LMD+