all the little things

Last day of this 2011. I can't say it was good or bad, but definitely a weird year. I had a deep change, a massive hole left in my heart and for the first time in my life I felt cast away from my regular life or shall I say my comfortable life. Shadow and sorrow were next to me many weeks. 

This time I didn't look to get into a fight with You. Still I'm sure I've done many stupid things through the years that now You are trying to correct me. It hurts! I guess that in between my mourning and all the moments I have raised up my hands begging Your help, finally You found a sincere disposition in my life as a whole to CHANGE. 

I grew tired of being just breathing and not living, grew tired of all the fake words and feelings others show just to achieve their own satisfaction. Tired of the cowards, of the liars, fake and egoistic people, of those who avoid talking sincerely, sharing, who only behave in a gentle way to confuse you and make you believe something is not real. 

Never again shall I put my trust in another human. My trust is totally and completely YOURS! "Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away from the LORD" (Jer. 17:5).

When I try to help, encourage... I'm misunderstood. When I seek truth in others, I'm betrayed. When I offer care and tenderness, I'm taken as a piece of meat to please simple pleasures. So desperate got me all these situations, that I landed on earth, covered my face to reach You. My life was torn apart and nothing else made sense. 

You took all these and though You still allow some wounds to be done, all this pain, this shadow, has a meaning now. I am learning, I am throwing away all that doesn't matter, leaving myself empty. For there is a bigger and truthful treasure I want to receive in my life and that jewel is You my Love. 

How could I give up your perfect Love, care, mercy and blessings for a simple kiss? for a night of lust? for the fake company of a fake human? I was lost and full of anguish. Until I searched You up in the mountain, like Your old prophets and holy ones. There when I shut away all the noise and distractions, all those things that don't matter in life.... I FOUND YOU, sweet, powerful and yet small, beating hard and with authority. You commanded and my whole life understood what bounds me to You, why I THIRST for You! Why I long to be some day again UNITED to You.

But I must pass this purification time in my life, learn to Trust You and walk hand in hand while the shadows persist. Your Light above the shadows, is the spark that keep my hope high, giving me the strength to stand up, regardless of all the times I have fallen this year. 

Amazing grace! You gave me persons and moments in this year to teach me new things, but then You took them away. Greater could be my pain if I had not accepted and understood that there is first of all one single thing I need. YOU.

My Christ, my Savior, my Groom, my Love, my eternal Friend, Brother, Companion, Master...my all in all! Where would my life be without You? to whom could I claim and in whom shall I find refuge? 

The sweetest gift you gave me, this LIFE is just marvelous. And I don't mean my former life, where I was a zombi, confused and lost, chained to my passions and desires. No, that is the pseudo life I really don't miss. It is THIS NEW LIFE You kindly give me that makes me smile though I find new swords crossing my flesh, new deceptions, new lies and treachery. It is YOUR life that makes sense here and everyday.

My health, my arms, my legs...this wonderful physical body You gave me WORKS. The main people in my life, my parents and true friends... are my blessing. And the gap that I have to cross full of uncertainty and pain, is not scary anymore. For I'm grateful that You bless me with what is basic and needed to surpass any obstacle that is waiting ahead of me.

Uncertain what will happen ahead, but there is only ONE single thing I need to remember, understand and embrace... YOU! Let your WILL be done and shape me the way You planned. I'm ready to be just CLAY IN YOUR HANDS!

Escape?

^{At least I know now that I'm not alone when I feel that I would like to be buried and forgotten, away from any more suffering. Spending that time with You today was a necessity.} 

^{I feel hurt by a third person's action and in the middle of all I wanted just to escape. How much I miss a community, my real friends, the ones that don't sell me for their own interest. The ones that remain honest, even if that honesty can reveal my own faults. Even then, they know (or have the gift) to correct me with kindness. How can I not miss them? Hopelessly I've mainly found empty souls and lives in this exile.  I shall give up. I feel I can't walk among non believers anymore.} 

^{It is just few of them who encourage my hope. And yesterday I felt so useless for not being able to do more for my second mother. In this prison, I can't do more for her except pray with all my strength and hope that You'll hold her tight and give her the courage to move on. The health to her mother, and peaceful rest to her father.} 

^{All this feeling a great defeat was pacified with dear Vivi's words. You ARE the verb, action... and in the same time You gave Job the chance to claim in his despair to You! In the same way I claim to You!}

^{Job, 5:} 

¹⁷ Blessed are those whom God corrects! Do not then scorn the lesson of Shaddai!

¹⁸ For he who wounds is he who soothes the sore, and the hand that hurts is the hand that heals.

One has to understand this defeat sensation that Your provide in order to appreciate it. How else would I raise my hands claiming to You if I had all that I wanted, when I want it and the way I want it?. My heart longs for those days I felt useful, working for your little ones. How much longer do I have to be in this stand by status??

What am I to You that despite all you care for me with such tenderness??  Such an impressive way to Love. I wish I have more opportunities to go and sit with You in that holy hour. Now, blessed with your Grace, I'll keep on, one more step today. Heal me and teach me to forgive those who hurt my life, the way You constantly forgive me. Not easy, but what is impossible to You? OPEROR IN MIHI CARUS DEUS!

This BIG family You give me...

Another year away from home my Love. No chance to be with the ones I love. And when sadness was embracing me, a light!

A toast with my dear sister. Seems that every year we are able to fix the distance problem. Later, some friends You left on my way to hold and make me company. At night, the BIGGEST family You provided was awaiting so we could all celebrate the marvelous GIFT our Father gave us.

YOU!

Little child, mighty one. Small and fragile. So many times I have claimed that you don't know how I am feeling and yet YOU DO know how I am feeling for You felt it too. What a better chance for us to reconcile, to return to You!

I was "alone" that night, but in Your Church, I was able to ask forgiveness and find Your mercy. Together in prayer, I have realized that there where I am, as long as I have the chance to celebrate with You in your feast, there is family. Truth they are not the family that you gave me in this life, but they ARE still family. Later the miracle was completed, as I was able to talk with them, laugh and wish us well. 

At times I don't understand why You are defeating me so much this time, at times I loose it all and want to run away. At times I don't have the strength or the  courage that I seem to need to wait. And in those times, I turn around. I've discovered that I rather run back to You, hold your Hand tight and walk away at Your peace. 

The darkness is overwhelming, but even this thick coat of anguish is less dreadful if I'm holding Your hand. Am I learning to WAIT in You? I do hope so. After all this beating, I do hope I learn finally what is it to just WAIT.

A broken edge

Temptation awaits in every corner, when you least expect it, when you lower the guard. It is not Your fault, it is not Your doing. It was my mistake, my fall, my decision. 

The base you were shaping has fallen. Not all is broken, but my edges have cracked and turned down. The whole me has responded with sickness before the image of what I've done. I've failed you, I've lied to me once more. And yet, despite the loss of that part in Your base, there is a blessed eye opener. 

I understand what and who I am now. I understand the unity of my body, soul and mind. I understand how this life in this body is not a prison but a shelter. You are destroying the chains to this long time enslaving into my passion, the fake idea that I can fill my emptiness with just any thing.

This is how I see now, and I might have been dazzled by some reflex, some false lights and the empty promise of a giver. But there was always something that never ended up making sense. The secrecy in his chest, the silence of his truth (is there any?) and possible the lack of any hope. I wonder, do they have a clue the beauty, the treasure they have in their live? If they knew, the word RESPECT would mean more than just a vague intention, but would give them the freedom to walk into the TRUTH. 

Before I used to ignore what was this marvelous gift You gave me as woman. Many times, I threw away your gift, others I would just reject it and searched my own satisfaction, my own pleasure and gratification. Slowly I started to understand and though I failed to accomplish my new goal before, this time I slippered, but I'm not totally fallen. Somehow Your hand reached me in time and grasped me to You once more. 

How empty, lonely and sad seems to look the other without the appreciation of his/her own gift. Lost in doubt, unwilling to give, to let go, to LIVE. Fearful, slave of his passions.The living dead, day by day, by chance, with no conviction, with no real goal. Is this really a life??

Is not just a matter of not finding, but how can I be satisfied with somebody who doesn't understand the beauty of your Divine gift? Before I keep falling, give me Your strength, Your vision, Your PATIENCE and above all Your Temperament to keep walking. 

Fill up my heart with Peace and Joy. Blessed are You, little baby that find space in my unfinished base. Be welcomed to be my Savior and my King. Amen.

Psalm 96

 Let the heavens rejoice, and let the earth be glad, let the sea be moved, and the fulness thereof:
the fields and all things that are in them shall be joyful. Then shall all the trees of the woods rejoice
before the face of the Lord, because he cometh: because he cometh to judge the earth. He shall judge the world with justice, and the people with his truth.

Protégeme

Sin aviso, sin esperarlo... la tentación toca una vez mas a mi puerta. Parece inofensivo, llevadero, tranquilo y muy gentil. Pero parte de mi siente que es simplemente una nueva distracción. Muchas cosas coinciden con lo que ha sucedido antes. 

Es preciso que comprenda, es urgente. No estaré acá ni el tampoco. He intentado ya este camino. Ni lo entiendo, ni me entiendo. Por eso te propongo mi Cristo, que me separes de ese camino que parte de mi quiere tan si quiera considerar. Te propongo, que esterilices, invalides, hacerme olvidar por un tiempo esto que parece que ahora siento. 

Es difícil, es amargo empezar un plan de nuevo, y dejar atrás tantas cosas, sueños. Pero es cierto, he pensado muchas veces en los últimos días, revivir algo que pensé estaba dormido en mi. La risa, la sensación de sentirme cómoda, en confianza. Te propongo, que me protejas Mi Corazón, quizás no me alejes o lo hagas desaparecer inmediatamente, pero y si limitas mi emoción, mi interés a ser simplemente amigos? 

No comprendo, como es posible que mi mente vaya más a prisa que el resto de mi vida. No camina, da saltos y proyecta mil ideas, un abrazo, una promesa. Mi corazón le sigue instintivamente, creyendo que la mente sabe más. Mi cabeza ya me ha jugado la misma broma otras veces. No más. No más juegos. Te propongo que si este amargo cáliz no puede ser separado de mi camino, al menos me recubras con tu Fuerza, con tu Sangre, para que pueda resistir, hacer frente y salir victoriosa en Ti. 

Why God gave me brothers? and how things in life change over time

They say that when I was a baby I would cry out loud whenever I felt my brothers were leaving to their school or to play out. Maybe by then I already was eager to spent my time and play with them too. Apparently I am a demanding person to have company ever since the cradle. 

The first memory I have about my brothers is really old. I'm bundled up in blankets and they keep me standing up in the back sit of the car. One brother is holding me so I don't fall down and mom keeps looking back. The next memories I have of them are a mix of emotions. Sometimes we would fight, sometimes we would laugh and misbehave. Other times I would team up with one of them and battle the other one, sometimes they would team up against me. Sometimes I would play soldiers and cars with them. Sometimes they would play school, kitchen and the store with me. 

My parents always treated them like boys and would send me to the kitchen to help mom. I did complain but in the end I'm thankful because that's how I learned to cook, clean and do my own things. My brothers had a harder time learning to do these things and even now that they are married, it seems to me it is the wife who does most part of these home duties. 

One of them would be patient to explain physics, math or chemistry to me. The other one would loose his patient. I saw them the first time they got drunk, the first time they smoked. One was always falling for all the wrong girls, and the other was always running away from them. Before I was done with high school, they already left home and were studying abroad. After that, our lives as siblings changed.

Growing up I found them annoying in different occasions. Other times I would just have the best time laughing and playing with them. I could hardly understand how does a single child makes it in life without siblings. For good or bad, they were always there, becoming the first step in my social life. Through them I learned to share, to ask, to research, to fight, to discuss, to defend my points of view, to help, to care, to respect, to forgive and forget.

I took them for granted. I thought they were always going to be there for me, even if my parents would die. And I figured out that I would always be there for them. Little I knew that not only distance, but marriage can change siblings into distant and unknown persons. My parents say it is because they now have "their" families. 

What's this supposed to mean? I was part of a test period in their life? recyclable and disposable? I wonder this, as I see other women who in spite of marriage, distance, keep great relations with their brothers. Were mine defective? or just never really cared to keep track with their "old" family. 

Years back I tried not to put much attention to it and would just let it be. Recently, in my solitude, I've found that I miss all the hectic time I used to have with them. But they are not there anymore. Instinctively seems I have searched to fill that hole with friends. I've looked support, advise, company in a variety of friends. 

After 20 something years, finally I recognized that one of my best friends is in fact a sister to me. And other long time friends as well are a sort of brothers to me. They care for me, they ask how I am doing, they rejoice with me, they listen (or read me) when I need to talk. 

As my parents grow older I wonder if they will ever care about this or are just too busy in their new lives. I can't discuss with my friends these sort of things. Suddenly I feel like a single child. 

Last month, I did felt a bit hurt that they completely forgot my birthday. But in the same time, I felt so blessed to have the words and joy of other friends that keep me as close as I keep them in my heart. After years of trying, I've lost my motivation on trying to be a sister again with my brothers. 

I do miss having my blood brothers. I pray in silence for them, for their new families, for the forgiveness of any fault they may have towards their families or towards others, for their health, for their spouses, for their children. I feel that for now, there is nothing else I can do, for I don't know who they are and certainly they have no clue who I am. 

If you my Love wanted to show me what does it mean to leave family behind to follow You... well I can't say it doesn't hurt, but in your name, my beloved Jesus I give to you my pain and the emptiness I feel for their absence. Please touch their life so they can have you ALIVE in their hearts too. Bless their paths and their choices, their days and their sleep. I thank You, for the time I had with them, and the things I learned with them and through them. And when my parents need them too, please put peace and kindness in their hearts. 

Gracias por lo que fue, lo que es y lo que será.