They say that when I was a baby I would cry out loud whenever I felt my brothers were leaving to their school or to play out. Maybe by then I already was eager to spent my time and play with them too. Apparently I am a demanding person to have company ever since the cradle.
The first memory I have about my brothers is really old. I'm bundled up in blankets and they keep me standing up in the back sit of the car. One brother is holding me so I don't fall down and mom keeps looking back. The next memories I have of them are a mix of emotions. Sometimes we would fight, sometimes we would laugh and misbehave. Other times I would team up with one of them and battle the other one, sometimes they would team up against me. Sometimes I would play soldiers and cars with them. Sometimes they would play school, kitchen and the store with me.
My parents always treated them like boys and would send me to the kitchen to help mom. I did complain but in the end I'm thankful because that's how I learned to cook, clean and do my own things. My brothers had a harder time learning to do these things and even now that they are married, it seems to me it is the wife who does most part of these home duties.
One of them would be patient to explain physics, math or chemistry to me. The other one would loose his patient. I saw them the first time they got drunk, the first time they smoked. One was always falling for all the wrong girls, and the other was always running away from them. Before I was done with high school, they already left home and were studying abroad. After that, our lives as siblings changed.
Growing up I found them annoying in different occasions. Other times I would just have the best time laughing and playing with them. I could hardly understand how does a single child makes it in life without siblings. For good or bad, they were always there, becoming the first step in my social life. Through them I learned to share, to ask, to research, to fight, to discuss, to defend my points of view, to help, to care, to respect, to forgive and forget.
I took them for granted. I thought they were always going to be there for me, even if my parents would die. And I figured out that I would always be there for them. Little I knew that not only distance, but marriage can change siblings into distant and unknown persons. My parents say it is because they now have "their" families.
What's this supposed to mean? I was part of a test period in their life? recyclable and disposable? I wonder this, as I see other women who in spite of marriage, distance, keep great relations with their brothers. Were mine defective? or just never really cared to keep track with their "old" family.
Years back I tried not to put much attention to it and would just let it be. Recently, in my solitude, I've found that I miss all the hectic time I used to have with them. But they are not there anymore. Instinctively seems I have searched to fill that hole with friends. I've looked support, advise, company in a variety of friends.
After 20 something years, finally I recognized that one of my best friends is in fact a sister to me. And other long time friends as well are a sort of brothers to me. They care for me, they ask how I am doing, they rejoice with me, they listen (or read me) when I need to talk.
As my parents grow older I wonder if they will ever care about this or are just too busy in their new lives. I can't discuss with my friends these sort of things. Suddenly I feel like a single child.
Last month, I did felt a bit hurt that they completely forgot my birthday. But in the same time, I felt so blessed to have the words and joy of other friends that keep me as close as I keep them in my heart. After years of trying, I've lost my motivation on trying to be a sister again with my brothers.
I do miss having my blood brothers. I pray in silence for them, for their new families, for the forgiveness of any fault they may have towards their families or towards others, for their health, for their spouses, for their children. I feel that for now, there is nothing else I can do, for I don't know who they are and certainly they have no clue who I am.
If you my Love wanted to show me what does it mean to leave family behind to follow You... well I can't say it doesn't hurt, but in your name, my beloved Jesus I give to you my pain and the emptiness I feel for their absence. Please touch their life so they can have you ALIVE in their hearts too. Bless their paths and their choices, their days and their sleep. I thank You, for the time I had with them, and the things I learned with them and through them. And when my parents need them too, please put peace and kindness in their hearts.
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