At least I know now that I'm not alone when I feel that I would like to be buried and forgotten, away from any more suffering. Spending that time with You today was a necessity.
I feel hurt by a third person's action and in the middle of all I wanted just to escape. How much I miss a community, my real friends, the ones that don't sell me for their own interest. The ones that remain honest, even if that honesty can reveal my own faults. Even then, they know (or have the gift) to correct me with kindness. How can I not miss them? Hopelessly I've mainly found empty souls and lives in this exile. I shall give up. I feel I can't walk among non believers anymore.
It is just few of them who encourage my hope. And yesterday I felt so useless for not being able to do more for my second mother. In this prison, I can't do more for her except pray with all my strength and hope that You'll hold her tight and give her the courage to move on. The health to her mother, and peaceful rest to her father.
All this feeling a great defeat was pacified with dear Vivi's words. You ARE the verb, action... and in the same time You gave Job the chance to claim in his despair to You! In the same way I claim to You!
17 Blessed are those whom God corrects! Do not then scorn the lesson of Shaddai!
One has to understand this defeat sensation that Your provide in order to appreciate it. How else would I raise my hands claiming to You if I had all that I wanted, when I want it and the way I want it?. My heart longs for those days I felt useful, working for your little ones. How much longer do I have to be in this stand by status??