Understanding my DESIRE

More than 6 months have passed. I'm back home. And I really feel COMPLETE! Though for society here I'm a lunatic for remaining single and childless.... I feel complete in Christ. There is still lots to do in order to start a Theology of the Body diving course in Spanish. Hopefully by January 15 I can have the material prepared and start encouraging Catholics to grow in their faith. Bolivia lacks people that is prepared and ready to speak up in Gospel Terms.

The pile of books keeps increasing. Now I'm devoted to Chesterton, Rev. Fulton Sheen and Edith Stein. Ratzinger is still a big part in that pile. There is plenty to read still in his 2nd part of Jesus of Nazareth. My motivation is the 3rd part of the trilogy, coming to my hands very soon. 

Meanwhile, relativism, hedonism and consumerism keep crawling up into this world. I found that the so called "friends" do really disappear once you become an Orthodox Catholic. It is OK  I rather burn for Christ than be lukewarm to please them. 

Past Advent, I've discovered a new component in my path. The Eternal Desire written in my heart, soul and life. This Desire for Infinity, that matches the love that was pure into me when I was created. Reading other material I'm starting to find more links that explain the longing I have had in my life for so long. More things have a sense now. Chastity has become one of them. A wonderful gift that was given to me when I surrendered my life to Him. This gift is demonstrating me that His gifts are at the same time loaded with more blessings than we could expect. 

Life as I knew it, is no longer interesting for me. I desire more than I would imagine that scatological life! The promise is more tempting than a night out with friends, and so I rather stay reading more and praying than just ignoring this Thirst and Desire for God.

In His kindness, He has provided me a community among my parents and another one among the Missionaries of Charity. Work is also a blessing: the secular and the voluntary. I can't no longer stay up until late as days are busy busy, either with regular things to do at work, or with the extras: A pro-life formative bulletin, transcriptions for my Sisters, executing my spiritual motherhood with friends or family and preparing myself as well in this deserted valley.

Before the end of this year I just wish a simple thing: to find my spiritual guide. Life in Your Hands is GREAT! I can't really understand why people feels so comfortable with crumbles, when you can have a whole Banquet with the GROOM!. 

Changing life

What do I have to win here or there? What do I have to lose here or there? What ties me here or there? NOTHING and ALL.

Truth is that whatever happens tomorrow makes no difference. I've seen the power of that GIFT you gave me. A Gift that unfolded  is capable of giving, talk, listen and care. That brings in return spontaneously smiles, words of comfort, prayers, good wishes... help and love. 

I have fears divided for here and there. I have hopes for here and there. I have plans for here and there. No win, no lose. Just Your WILL.

Uncertain yes, frustrating at time, yes. But the pruning you have done this time was really strong and deep. Sometimes I felt like you were taking part of my essence. No, You are just taking away what doesn't allow me to thrive. Oh how attached I was then to my will, my plans. Cut away all that keeps me away of living the spousal meaning of my life/body.

"The LORD will guard you from all evil; he will guard your soul. The LORD will guard your coming and going both now and forever" Ps 121:7-8

Healer of my soul

I finally gave up and embraced the shadows. I realize I can't really scape from them and that at the same time I'm not lost as long as I can always see that glimpse of Light you drop in my way.

Spins and turns have resulted in me accepting that I just have to TRUST and let myself be guided by You. A part of me is at ease, but the other still wants to rumble, and contradict you. So I remain a bit indifferent, a bit  more calm. I still don't understand (will that ever happen) where is my place. And as days go by, the craving of a more simple life has increased. 

Life in community is another hunger I have in me. Yet the farm was not for me, not this one at least. And now, during the last mile, now I get this new surprise? Where will I end? I gave up on putting my priorities first, for now is just what You want for me. Yes I'm still hard to tame, but so much has happened lately, that I feel humbled, brought to my knees. Strange but I don't feel I've lost. I feel that this is what I needed to learn among other things. For now I just need to keep healing.

Keeper of my soul
On rough course faring
Help and safeguard my means this night
Keeper of my soul

I am tired, astray, and stumbling
Shield my soul from the snare of sin

Healer of my soul
Heal me at even'
Heal me at morning
Heal me at noon

John Michael Talbot

The long road to NO

After more than 50 negatives in terms of a job position, I just simply gave up. I'm ready for a second week at Bethlehem farm and from there I'll wait for the last time. I give up, YOU command! 

It's been no easy to live like gypsy, but this has been a great lesson on being more humble and seek simplicity. Once more I've discovered the pleasure to serve and be useful through my life to others. Would I'd be ready to start serving You now? I do hope so, as my soul feels weak and in total darkness immersed in this world of material and instant satisfaction. 

Lead me, lead me. Even if I feel cold and distant....take me!

Health insurance plans have to cover sterilization and contraception free of charge - NO EXCEPTIONS

In the land of freedom there is always the lack of exactly that what they most feel proud about it. FREEDOM.

 Starting 2013 anybody working for Catholic Church MUST have access to what we preach against: DEATH. Yes, for now it is not a matter of choice or freedom, is a matter of IMPOSING their view on life and the right to grant it or deny it to whom ever they want. 

I'm close to go to a whole week at Bethlehem Farm for my first experience and decide if that is a good place for me to start building myself in the path of becoming a missioner.  Things like what happened this past weekend after remembering Roe Vs Wade, and the new rules that start unveiling what the new world regime can bring us, make me think 2 times that there still some things I have to learn in this twisted part of the world. 

I can't ignore the great need that there is in Bolivia, and that all the free time I have now would be probably more useful over there. But I also feel that it is time to cut and freeze my life. Go into solitude and this farm represents a lot of it. I need a time to be quiet, hear only silence and start to really prepare myself.

True, I still feel I have to reconcile myself fully again, as I have a little pebble in my shoe. One thing at a time, and for now just conclude this interview process. Such a big investment and hopefully that will take me away from this nonsense and relativist moment/place.

Are there inverse prayers!?

A while ago I heard that in black magic and similar rituals, there can be reverse blessings and reverse prayers. Cursing or spells you could call them. Mean thoughts and wishes people has for others. Expectations that the other person may perish, get sick, etc., etc. 

I've been too conscious that so far my biggest and perhaps only blessing today is my simple life with health. I've lost too much these past months and I'm still inside a dark cloud searching where to go and the answer on how is this life given to me useful for Him. 

But there are days, that all seems to vanish, hope, faith and even worst, patient. This is the first time I've considered that I might be getting the bad/negative vibes from someone? I'm grateful more than words can express for the support, courage, love from my parents and other people that I know pray for me. But days like this I just wonder.... where does this negative feeling comes from?

I've questioned lately if You have left me here on "correctional" for longer time or just simply won't answer more until I completely renounce to my comfortable life. No sooner I'm raised in Your hands, I twist a little and I fall again. 

I'll search your forgiveness again, stand up again, walk again and wait again in You, for it is true. In this life You gave me nothing so far can compare to the Joy, Peace you give me when I listen and do as You wish. Protect me from the ones who wish me bad and forgive them and bless them.

Fidelity - in every single way!

The relativist and materialistic society in which I have to  live laughs about fidelity. Fidelity among lovers, among family and among friends.

FIDELITY: the quality or state of being faithful (Merrian Webster dictionary). 

FAITHFUL: 1. strict or thorough in the performance of duty. 2. true to one's word, promises, vows, etc. 3. steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant: faithful friends. 4. reliable, trusted, or believed. 5. adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original; accurate: a faithful account; a faithful copy. (dictionary.com)

Let me highlight some words from this last definition: TRUE - LOYAL - RELIABLE - BELIEVED - TRUE. 

This is more of what I haven't been able to find in people. Thinking back one year, I realize I've spent little time cultivating friendship with the people who is worth of this gift and who are RELIABLE and TRUE and instead I've been wasting my time with people who were closer. This doesn't mean they were RELIABLE, LOYAL or even worst TRUE. 

Years back, I decided I was going to give back what people will give me. Some times this is a way to "shield" me from persons who are not worth to keep in my life. Recently, I was treated by a common shield that some persons use: sarcasm humor. This is not my favorite as by experience this reflects a big tangled inner situation that needs to be really well covered with simple attacks and "witty" pitiful comments. I gave it a try and the person who is ready to attack couldn't hold bit of my sarcasm and even worst, couldn't handle at all with my up front honesty. I must recognize, that at least I saved a lot of details in this last one. I've been told that my honesty can be so harsh that most people is not ready to hear such things. 

When I grew up, I had the fortune to be part of a large "family". During school years, we grew like siblings with more than 30 persons. We shared day by day, pains, sufferings, joy, fun moments and laughter. We grew up in a sort of brotherhood. We learned to be loyal and be always honest with one another. We had fidelity for our friendship and though we would respect personal decisions, this wouldn't mean that we would back up some shady ideas. Yes, we would even take sides if if was for the best of our friends. That led us to have difficult moments were we could get upset with each other, but after some time, we were able to recognize that some STRICT behavior from our peers was necessary for us to correct our path. As necessary is God's way to correct us from our failure and mistakes.

All this is take nowadays as very intense, brutal and too weird. As some would say "too confusing". Well, however is taken, I still respect that level of camaraderie I have with my old friends and I appreciate it when some new friends respect and value this too. I've been chasing the wrong friends and the wrong persons. 

Connecting myself to reality, to my Love, I realize now that to lose some of these people in my life was not a real loss. All the opposite, this is a win-win situation for both. I'm free to keep walking the way I accept and the other is free to keep being sinking in his/her twisted life. 

Next time, I only wish I can be more like little Saint Theresa and be more quiet, passive and ignore these situations right away. I wish that my spoken word can be mute so I don't have to feel upset or angry about the other person. NEXT time, this defect will have to be purified in order to keep my FIDELITY to You!