chastity formula

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Walking in the darkness

I lost myself some days ago. I lost track of my emotions, my frustrations and my failures. They took control of me, and when least expected they got ahead of me and I lost myself. I lost my passport, my identity. You already were trying to warn me in dreams, but busy, speedy as I am these days I lost track of that message.

My patience was lost, and with it I hurted a person that didn't deserve it. By the time I realized it, it was far too late to go back in time. I felt sad when I realized I hurt one of the persons who gave me his hand to walk closer to me. Stupid or glorious mistakes?. I broke down in pieces, full of shame and tears wouldn't stop running for I knew my fault was big.

In silence, You came closer and whispered ... forgiveness. You were fast to forgive me and when I recognized all this to You, it was already done. However, I felt immersed in a dark night, still lost without a clue on where to go. I claimed to your saint of darkness. If she was able to keep walking in that dark alley because above all, she never lost faith in You, why couldn't I reach my hands to the air and try to find Yours as well.

I did it, I begged for your mercy and your guide in this dark night. I may not see light, but I feel You are holding me. Strong and steady. I had finally stood up, ready to meet my hurt one and ask his forgiveness. Thou I wanted to be strong and not let any tear roll down, I broke some times. I never realized how much it hurted me to have hurt him. I tried to do the best I could, to let You room also and hold me there. At moments I felt like fainting. Kept calling Your name.

The end was inconclusive. I've lost myself to impatience, and to a map. I've lost more than just my peace and probably I've hurted a person whom I wanted more than just for a short time in my life. But in doing all this, I also fond his fears, and they are bigger than mine, and now I'm not so sure he is the strong hand that would hold my hand in good and bad times. Apparently this world looks only for the good in us and to the slight shadow of darkness they run as far as they can.

Our life goes by covered with walls, and fancy windows, and fancy mirrors. We protect ourselves from being looked deep inside. We hide fears, past scars, traumas and more in these fortresses. I myself caught myself hiding some old fears created by bad love experiences. But I want them out, healed. I don't want these walls around me, I don't want to have fear again my Lord.

In Your hands is my heart. You changed my old stone heart for a flesh and love one. This one took lots of scars and wounds left by others in my useless attempts to love and find a partner. Take this wounded and heart with fears also away, give me a new flesh and love heart, attached to Yours, bounded by your eternal Love to You, Your path and Your mercy.

A heart that can be filled by your never ending Love. A heart that is ready to jump off the cliff and not worry about a safety net. You'll make of me a great ............... and I shall learn how to follow the way to the happiness that You created for me ever since you thought of me.

I gave my best this last time Lord. I'm not perfect, but at least I had Your hand to learn how to vow and recognize my faults and ask forgiveness. I know that I least I tried, and now I will try again with You. My eternal, perfect and never ending Love.

Gracias por tanta piedad, por tanta bendicion aun en la adversidad. Gracias por esta obscuridad que si bien no me deja verte...me deja sentirte y necesitarte. Gracias por mis defectos, porque me hacen caer y levantar mis manos a Ti e implorar tu misericordia. Gracias porque no soy perfecta, y porque aun asi me amas. Gracias por ese Amor.